Today is Friday May 5th.  I wish I was celebrating with chips, salsa and margaritas.  However, I am not.  I am recovering from gallbladder surgery.  Let me tell you.  I don't care if you have an inch long incision or an eighty inch long incision, it fucking hurts when the dermabond starts peeling off.   The pain of that doesn't even compare to the pain in my stomach from wanting to eat, not being able to eat, trying to eat but it kills my insides.  Food is like cocaine for me at the moment.  I resist it and resist it.  And then I try just a little bit, and get sucked into just a couple more bites.  Then the worst food hangover ever happens.  Just to clarify, I only assume that is what cocaine is like.
I had my tonsils out Feb 23rd.  So this year has really sucked so far.  I keep hoping and keep being told I will be a new woman after I am healed.  It can't happen fast enough.  I will say getting my tonsils out was the best thing I did.  Recovery was horrible, but well worth it!
Physically, I don't know what I am.  Ive lost weight but no one can tell.  My clothes feel better so that is all the matters.  I have more energy, even being down after surgery.  Weight will always be a struggle I guess.  I just want to be happy.  If size 12 is happy, I'll proudly be a size 12!!  But enough about that.
Here is my big "coming back to blog" issue.  Toxic people.  I am surrounded by toxic people.  I CANNOT get myself healthy if I am not surrounded by people who love me and support me.  Love and support does not mean what can I do for them to make their lives easier.  It does not mean being my friend and then talking about me behind my back.  Love and support is being there when I don't want anyone to be there.  Knowing I'm not ok and still doing nothing about it.
Grief, I will talk a lot about grief too.  Because I am not over my dad's death as well or as much as I thought I was.
So just a preview of whats to come.  I still spend too much, dress my daughters SO much better than myself, love farm life and love my husband more than words can say.  Funniness will definitely be a part of this as well.  Hopefully most of it!

I have been internally struggling about starting a new blog or continuing this one.  I even went so far as to set one up.  This has so much history though.  And it helps me see how I once was.  Its crazy looking back at what seems like an incredibly chaotic time but realizing how at peace you were, in general.  Now, I seem like such a train wreck.  I'm just going to start writing and see where the journey takes me.  Writing is a form of therapy for me.  So, sit back, grab a glass or bottle of wine and follow me along on this crazy journey called life.

absolutely....nothing...

I got nothing. I am in a funny mojo slump. Here is my attempt at a post. Enjoy or don't. Your choice. Wow, for not having a period anymore, I sure am pms bitchy.

~~I feel like I wipe asses allll day. Mia has been pooping like 4-5 times a day and Maggie decided that potty training is more fun when she does great for a week then completely stops. We are looking into pre-school boarding schools. On the west coast. Of China.

~~I have never felt so disconnected to my husband. I don't even want to have wild crazy circus monkey sex anymore. I am that afraid of getting pregnant. Even with the Mirena IUD. I have three children and only one was "tried" for.

~~I wish I lived in a one bedroom apartment. Then maybe I could keep that space clean. Three bathrooms, three bedrooms, three "living areas" and a kitchen...hell to keep picked up(we won't even mention the word clean). No one will help. That doesn't help.

~~I am the rare female on the planet that refuses to drink diet soda. Yes, I could lose weight if I drank diet soda, however, I don't like it so why drink it. I drink more water then I ever have so I justify it that way. I am about to go all postal on the next waiter/waitress who brings me a refill and it is diet. I GET IT. I AM CHUBBY. DON'T ASSUME THAT MEANS I AM ON A DIET. Got it. Next time, the drink is going to be on your diet...and it won't enter through your mouth.

~~I cannot wait for my sister to have a baby. She is trying and damnit if it isn't happening fast enough. Ok, so maybe they just started. I WANT TO BE AN AUNT!!! I want to buy ridiculously ridiculous things for a little niece, nephew or sextuplets!! HAHA, just kidding, kinda. My sister in law has a son but he doesn't like anyone but his mom and won't give me a chance to be the fun aunt. He doesn't know what he is missing out on.

~~I LOVE breastfeeding my baby. Not in that way you sickos. I love that it is easy. Sad, I know. I should be saying it is the best for my baby, it is bonding with her, blah blah blah. It affords me a can of soda and I can; barely wake up, grab her, lay back in bed, flop a boob out, fall back asleep and wake up when my husband asks me if I am going to put that away or is it an invitation. That being said...I can't wait until I have my boobs and life back to myself. We went skiing this weekend sans babies. I was the debbie downer who kept having to go back to the resort/room to pump. I want to go out to lunch with the girls and not have to say no because I have to pump. I am sure in a few months I will be saying how much I miss boobie feeding Mia. Until then, I will feel slightly selfish. mkay.

~~That is all for now. This is what is consuming my world these days...seriously...

I rode the magic carpet like a champ...

I am not ashamed to say that my 11 year old kicked my ass in winter sports this weekend. We went north to a ski resort and my 11 year old daughter put me in my place. That place was...the little kids, we are talking 3 and 4 year olds, magic carpet learning hill. It is the teeniest little hill that has not a ski lift but a moving walkway like they have in airports and Vegas. You just struggle get yourself to the beginning and it magically moves you to the top. GENIUS! I hung out there during a little kids lesson and just did what the instructors were telling the little kids to do, while nonchalantly doing it right along with the kids. He asked for a pizza slice, I gave him a pizza slice(to make you slow down and stop!). I even at one point asked if I did it right. The instructor, all of 16, looked at me like I was a moron. Opsies, I got carried away and wanted some credit damnit! But, you know what. It worked. I got enough balls courage to go down not only the bunny hill(which is more like a bobcat hill if you ask me...bunnies aren't supposed to make me scream "holy shit balls") but also the next level up! Yeah me. However, as much as I feel accomplished, my daughter kicked my ass. She has only ever skied for a total combined 5 hours in her life decided, eh skiing is so five minutes ago, lets try snowboarding. YIKES. However, thanks to my brothers, she was "boarding" with the best of them by the end of the day. Oh to be young again, have no fear and be closer to the ground so falling doesn't scare you quite as much!! Seriously...

I prefer my naps at Walgreens...don't you

If anyone knows me, they will vouch that I REQUIRE a lot of sleep. I don't wear tired well, at all. On Saturday night into Sunday morning Mia decided that sleeping was for the birds. We partied like rock stars from about 12 midnight to when I finally passed her off to her dad, who was sleeping during the over night shift, at 5:30a.m. I crashed at 5:30, like slobber on the pillow crash. For whatever reason I was wide awake at 8:45a.m. and couldn't fall back to sleep. Note to self, take sleeping during overnight shift next time. We don't know for sure what Mia's problem was, she was not crabby but very restless. So, we played. Sunday afternoon, I was super crabby, so I ran some errands in town, alone. I hit 4 different stores in one hour and didn't want to go home because I knew I would have to do stuff...like parent. Have you ever seen this? I love my swagger wagon and did something in it that I am ashamed of and so proud of. I took a nap...in Walgreens parking lot. It was so peaceful. It was comfortable and yes I will do it again. It was perfect. No kids, no husband, and turned my phone on silent. Pure bliss. I remember the commercial where Mrs. Swagger Wagon was sleeping in hers and the husband ushered the daughter away, knowing "happy wife, happy life"!! I so get it. Seriously...

No booger can get past me...

For reals. I cannot stand to see one of my little girls with a boogie in her nose. My 11 year old can retrieve her own so I do not have to worry about her. The little ones, they just walk around and lay around not caring at all that they have "bats in the cave". Me, it bothers the bejeepers out of me. To the point that when my husband sees a boogie before I do, he immediately tells Maggie to "go see your mom, you have a boogie". Maggie then comes right over and moves her lip down over her teeth so I can get a good look! I have her trained. I even tell her, if she isn't being so cooperative, that it is about to bite her and I NEED to get it out before it does. Then, she is still as a statue! Well, with Mia, it is not so easy. She strongly dislikes any sort of cotton square on her face. Be it a cloth diaper, wipe, boogie wipe, or sock(don't judge, sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures!), she will start the alligator death roll with her head and body....I kid you not. Tonight, Christmas came early. I got.....A NOSE TWEEZER FOR BABIES!!!! I laughed when I saw this on Amazon. But, I also secretly was jumping up and down. Someone else is obviously just as neurotic as I am!! They have the tiniest little end on them, just perfect for grabbing a boogie in a little bitty nose! Oh, and it may seem like a hard little boogie but they always have a stringer attached. My husband says they are attached to the brain, they are so long. Just so you know, we are a boogie free family. My poor girls...Seriously...

credit

I may suck at being a mom but she clearly doesn't...

Monkey see monkey do. At least her babies don't get hungry in public. Her version of a bopi is a neck pillow for the car. Damn smart, that girl! Seriously...

Errr, maybe bull riding in her future?...

I have never seen my sweet angel baby act like this before. It reminds me of a cat on catnip for some reason. Like if she could walk and run she would have a bucket on her head and be ramming said head and bucket into walls and peoples rear ends. Not what you visualized when you saw it. Hmm. Don't know what to tell you there. Except that maybe that is what happened when I tried a little cat nip back in the day. I kid. Maybe it reminds you of my wonderful husband if you have seen him after a few too many captain and dr. pepper's? Yes, that must be it! Good thing he doesn't read my blog!! But seriously...we are saying she gets this from his side of the family! ;) Our little secret! At my beautiful tubby baby girls expense...enjoy and you are welcome...Seriously...

I suck at being a mom sometimes...

Like when I get a new phone and download Angry Birds to that said phone. I sat in "the chair" in our little girls room tonight for 45 mins. Not because I was waiting for the girls to fall asleep. Nope, I was busy playing the damn angry birds game. It. Has. Consumed. My. Being. Well, at least when I am not really needing to be productive. I could have done dishes, laundry, organizing the cabinets in our kitchen that have 326 things fall out when you open them. But I did not. Le sigh, this too shall pass. Likely soon as I am getting frustrated with how hard the levels continue to be. At least I fed the kids and got them ready for bed. That is how I roll these days!! Seriously...

Not ready yet...

Here we are, Mia is 7 months old and I should probably get a grip and let her grow up. Here is what I have done/not done to prevent her from growing up. We are about 85% sure Mia is our last little miracle and I have had an exceptionally hard time swallowing that little pill. Yes, it is my decision(more so then the baby daddy!) and I wish I had the patience/time/money/sanity to have 21 babies. Here is how poor Mia Belle has lived the last 7 months...

~still in the bassinet portion of the pack n play...in our room. At the foot of the bed. at night only, she does nap in her crib....baby steps!

~just started baby food. she skipped all 1st foods due to mom prolonging it.

~does NOT like to be put down for very long. may be due to me holding her, thinking, she is the last baby and I want to enjoy every second of it!

~still nursing, even though I have thought my milk supply is too low for her. if you have seen her, she is doing just fine! ;)

~she did not like being on her belly so she may start crawling when I enroll her in kindergarten...since crawling and I am pretty sure walking require her to spend time out of moms arms!

~she still takes grocery cart rides in her car seat, even though she can sit up fine in the cart. she seems like a big girl sitting there, so therefore she will continue to ride in the car seat in the basket!

Here she is only the second time sleeping on her tummy...again, not ready. me, not her

As you can see, I may need help; professional help. This stage does not last long enough. I would gladly take the needy infant stage for 5 years as opposed to the needy teen years any day!! I understand that babies must grow up but gosh darn it, I don't have to like it!! Seriously...

Mom and her Mia Belle at the beach. Can you see why now...seriously...