Brick wall...

This is the text I sent my husband this a.m.

"Next time you want to get crabalicious up after she has only cried for a total of 2.3 seconds and bring her to me while I am sleeping and then leave, please smash my head against a brick wall as I think that would be less painful...love your cranky wife"

I get it that he wants to see her in the morning before he leaves for work. Whatever. I am a mom, I have a sixth sense on when she is crying to be crying and when she is awake and needs to get up. Her crying didn't even wake me up so therefore, she was not ready to get up. For the next two and a half hours she was awake, she cried or whined for two hours and 29 minutes.

Next time he does that I think I will have to drop her off with him and tell him, enjoy! Seriously...

P.S. If crabalicious is going to be sick and have a fever all winter long, there is not enough alcohol in the world to get me through this. Or drugs for that matter. Just kidding mom, kinda!

So that is what he was talking about...

My husband has warned me from the first meal I attempted to make him, "Do not use a knife". I believe that I was chopping vegetables then. I didn't know why he would tell an adult woman this. Maybe he saw something in me that gave him a heads up. He may be right. He has reminded me of this warning every time I whip a knife out. Tonight I was chopping onions for our salad. I may or may not have heard his voice in the back of my head as I was reaching for the knife. So one smooth move and my finger tip fell off. Ok, maybe it didn't fall off but it was dangling. Ok, so maybe I just sliced it a chunk bit. Why does he have to be right? I was all ready to hop in the car to get it surgically reattached but remembered if I make a big deal out of my finger, he would start cutting my steak for me again. Yes, I am that bad with knives. Sharp little suckers. Seriously...

Decided...

I have finally came to a decision about Makayla and Maggie's future. I was driving through campus tonight with my 10 year old and I was appalled. To quote a line I heard from T.V. the other night..."we all know you are a girl, you don't have to prove it". I would say that over 80% of the girls on campus were walking around skirts so short that I could see their belly button rings from under their skirts!! Really! Ok, maybe not that short but still, if you had any doubt on what gender they were, it would be clear by how much their skirt revealed. Where are their friends? Who would let them leave the house like that. Oh, yeah, they are walking right there with them wearing theirs even shorter. So, I have decided that I will not only homeschooling them through junior high and high school, I will continue to do so thru college. Yes, and arranged marriages are sounding better and better. Seriously...

Out of the Darkness...

Tomorrow I am walking in the local Out Of The Darkness Suicide Prevention walk. I am walking in honor of my dad. I have done a walk before and was excited to see we have a walk in my own town. I am always amazed at how taboo talking about suicide is but yet when I do somehow get asked or mention it, everyone seems to have been affected or know someone who was by suicide. It is such a lonely way to grieve. You can't count on your friends because they don't know what to say so they stay silent. Family, not immediate, would rather stick razors up there ass then be an extended family(again not all just most). You tend to just keep it in. Not healthy. So I am all for raising money to support a cause that is trying to release the stigma associated with it. I am proud to say that I have raised $410 dollars for tomorrow. My team "Too Talls Gang" is the second highest fund raiser. Go me!! Thank you to all that donated! Here are a few things I have learned from dealing with a suicide.
*these are my thoughts, please don't think I am pretending to be an expert, I am not!

~The person who takes his/her own life is not the person you know and love. Physically yes, mentally no. I can only imagine how sad and desperate and lonely a person must feel to think that is the only way to make the hurt stop. Please don't judge a person who takes this step to end the pain and hurt. They are really only doing what they think they need to do to stop the pain/hurt and despair they are feeling. Is it right, or the right choice. I would say no but how can I know how another person feels.
~When a person takes their own life, they are trying to escape their own demons. Only they don't realize that their loved ones take on those demons and try to figure it all out. I don't know why I think I can solve my dads problems, he could not and they were his. I have my own struggles and yet I can't shake his.
~As a survivor of suicide(no I did not try to take my own life, this is how they refer to those left behind from suicide), I am no longer given simple freedoms. If I take one too many Advil for a headache, my husband asks if I am sad. If I want to go through the box of things my dad left me, my husband get anxious being that I called him while he was working asking for the gun safe code since the box is in their. He won't give me the code. If I am depressed, I am on "suicide watch" by family members. I don't like that feeling. I promised every one I love that this is not my fate.
~If you mention suicide to someone who does not know your personal experience with it, chances are they have been affected by it somehow too. Or they know someone who has been affected. I am afraid it will be like cancer. Everyone will have a story of how they were affected.
~There is not enough support for suicide survivors. There are only books that are very biological in nature. You will go through this first and then this and then this. Bullshit. I want someone to spill there guts on crying, laughing, making fun of those who went through the line at the visitation. You know the ones who asked how the person died and you responded by laughing because you couldn't fathom telling one more person how. I want to know all the inappropriate things they said/did because there is no how to manual on how to deal with the grief from the death and the abandonment you feel from those scared to talk to you about it. Instead of putting there discomfort aside, they pretend there is nothing to talk about.
~How a persons family can really fall apart when they should have learned that they need each other more then ever.
~How telling someone it was the devil is not comforting. Bringing up the devil implies that he is not in Heaven. I firmly believe he is in Heaven, no matter how much of a "sin" suicide is, he is in Heaven. If he was not, he would not be in my dreams, he would not be sending my little signs that he is with me. Don't confuse his personal demons with the devil.
~Anger is not a stage of grief that everyone goes through. Don't force me to go through an emotion or a stage because a book tells me I have to.
~Don't make me feel like an outcast. I am still the same funny, silly, immature, did I mention funny person I was with him, and because of him. I have changed due to losing my father, I did lose a little piece of my heart, but not my being. Love me, treat me the same as before. Don't put the stigma on me.

I hope this gives you some insight on suicide and how to "handle" someone who is affected by it. I hope that none of the readers of this have dealt with suicide, outside of my family. If you have I am here for you and anyone who needs a friend.

I love you dad and am so glad to have known you for the 27 years I did. You were my best friend and my cheerleader when I had no one else. For that I am forever grateful. You will remain perfect in my eyes and I will always think of your smile and laugh and how your stories took FOREVER and how I got your personality but not your height. Damnit. Really, 6'8" and all I got was 5'7". I am glad you gave me the things you did because I wouldn't trade me for anyone else. Well maybe some height. Still. Bitter. About. The. Height. I love you more!! Seriously...

Anxiety overload...

I *heart* me some Criminal Minds! I seriously love that show, and want to marry it. Oh wait, that is what my conversation with my daughter was. Yeah 10 year olds. So funny. Back to the story. I look forward to this show more then any other CSI, NCIS, etc. criminal investigation type show. My hubby and I even have a don't watch without me rule. Ok, maybe I threaten him that he has to wait for me. You want to know why? Because it scares the shit out of me. I am talking full on cold sweats, shaking uncontrollably, heart racing kind of anxiety when I watch it. But it is SO good. Morgan, Reid, JJ, Prentiss, Hotchner you know all the cool people who are insanely good looking, smart and my all time favorite...Penelope Garcia. I love me some Morgan and Garcia relationship!! Ok, a tad bit obsessed. But I get some major anxiety when I watch it. I cannot watch it by myself. I tried during the day once, called my hubby from our closet and begged him to come home. Clearly, I need help. Watching the season premier, at night, in bed, lights off = long night and frustrated husband. I had him turn the lights on when either one of us had to go to the bathroom. I made him check three times that the doors were locked. I made him switch me sides of the bed since my side is by the door. I made him stay awake and watch SYTYCD to get bad feelings out of my head. It is after midnight at this point. Yeah I am bat shit crazy. He married me knowing that though so don't feel sorry for him. I don't get much sleep on Wed nights but I always look forward to another episode. It is just that damn good!!! Seriously...

What's up...

This is my life at the moment...

*I must be allergic to exercise. The last two times I got into a rhythm with a program and started to see results, I got sick. Not just the sniffles but horse flu sick(get it, horses are bigger then pigs, clearly I was that sick!) I guess I am meant to be dimply and soft and jiggle! I will be whoever I am supposed to be! ;)
*Maggie started saying "mommy". Not mama, but full on mommy with the cutest raspy voice ever(she had the croup, or the bumble bee flu, get it, smaller then a pig...you get the point). Well, it was cute until she said it for the 1 millionth time in a 24 hour period. Really...not so cute anymore. Then everyone else says "she wants you". Yeah, get over it and help the girl out. Pretend she is saying daddy or sister already.
*I was all geared up to try the 30 day shred for the first time tonight. My hubby and girls are out of the house for a little while so I popped it in. Well we are using a back up DVD player and it has no remote(I am too lazy to look for it and it hasn't been a problem with Horton Hears a Who). I could not get the damn bar to get past recommendations. I had good intentions. Refer back to point one, see what I am saying!!
*I am strongly procrastinating on making a resume. I don't want to leave my current job, but when your boss makes empty promises, you should take that as a hint! So, I figured why not blog a little, get my frustrations out and then go for the resume writing. I think it is a great plan.
*I am on the fourth book by Jen Lancaster. Pretty in Plaid. I am a little disappointed. I laughed out loud, peed myself a little, got a little work out on the abs, dreamed of being as funny as her, response from her first three. This one, not so much. I highly recommend her first three and maybe when I am done with this one I will have a different opinion. Bitter is The New Black, Bright Lights Big Ass, and Such a Pretty Fat are the first three. Seriously, go get them! She is a person you so badly want to be friends with.
*My wonderful 10 year old is doing great in school, has proven she is not my daughter by her math scores and is quickly losing interest in the oboe. YEAH, I mean we need to work on encouraging her, right. She is keeping track of everyone who is mean to her. I don't know what she is doing with this information but it worries me. I cannot wait until junior high so she can get away from the psychos girls in her class!!

Well I will leave you all knowing that I did survive the horse flu, Maggie survived the bumble bee flu, and no one else is sick so far. I can't believe that with all the Kleenex bombs left around the house! Seriously...

Selfish, indeed...

You know what is worse then a thirteen month old with croup. A mom that has a sinus infection/cold, has a huge amount of pressure built up in her already tight for room head, cannot breathe out of her nose, has toxic acid streaming down her throat, a headache that feels like my head is too heavy for my neck(again we are talking big here!)...oh and did I mention, feels like shit. It wouldn't be so bad if we got sick at different times.
She has never been one to get up in the middle of the night and not fall back to sleep(well at least since about 5 months). So this getting up in the middle of the night and wanting to stay up. For the birds. If I don't feel good, I sure as hell don't want to try to convince a whiney, snotty, coughing like a seal little girl to go back to sleep. Don't get me wrong, I want more then anything for her to feel better and if I could take her sickness away and have mine worse, I would. But, it makes for a very cranky mom. I guess when I require A LOT of sleep on a good day, being sick makes it worse. And having a sick child makes it worser(yes I know that is not a word, deal with it!). Clearly we are talking seriousness here;)!I have second thoughts all the time about having another baby on the sheer fact that I will have to do late night/early morning feedings again. Selfish, maybe. We all have our weaknesses, sleep happens to be mine. I can handle poop, pee, vomit, rashes, etc IF I have enough sleep. If I could change this about me I would. If I could some how take those damn power naps that everyone else seems to be able to do and feel wonderful, I would. If I take a nap, it has to be 2 hours minimum! There you have it. I am professing to the world, I suck at being sick! Seriously...

*cue comments telling me how brave I am for being a sick mom to a sick toddler*

Happy Grandparents Day

Make a Smilebox slideshow

On a lighter note...

Today has been a reminder to me of how good I have it. I remember where I was and what I was doing 8 years ago. I do not understand why they have to replay all of the footage from that day over and over again though. I do not need to see a person jumping to their death, again, to be reminded of what our nation has gone through. I say we need to respect the families and have memorials but we do not need to see the footage from that day any longer. Enough said. On a lighter note here are some randomness' from this week. You are welcome!

*Maggie went to an in home sitter for the first time. The report from day one went a little like this.
Sitter- "Maggie is not used to having someone in her room while sleeping, all through both naps she kept the others awake by talking to them." (I say you go girl and tell them what you have to say!)
Sitter-"Maggie ate VERY well today. She even helped herself to the food on the other kids trays. I finally had to move her away from them so they could finish eating." (I say, oh no, she is going to be THAT girl. I have visions of her standing over smaller girls in school taking there ding dongs, waving a fist at them!)
When I pick her up she is on a tractor in the back yard and a 3 year old boy is trying to help her with the tractor and she is grunting and pushing him away. (I say, you go girl and show that boy who is the boss! And yes, she is going to be THAT girl!)

*Makayla is in her first week of oboe lessons. Please send any donation you see fit to either soundproof her room or to order cases of wine so I can at least be loopy while listening to that!

*My boss is trying to make my recent workplace return as opposite of what we agreed upon and as miserable as possible so I quit. Um, yeah the joke is on you because I can last so much longer then you think, Try me, just try me.

*Big Brother has got me in quite the tizzy. I said at least 5 times during the hour long show that I am done. Well I was just kidding. Come on Jordan!!

*Have I died and gone to heaven...another season of So You Think You Can Dance is on AGAIN! What a good girl I must have been this year as I got an early Christmas present this year. I do believe, I do believe!

I hope you all managed to get through the day and reflect on how much our Service men and women have done for us. Having served our Country, I am proud for the time I did and would go back in a second to help defend our freedoms and rights that so many take for granted. Hoorah Air Force. Seriously...

Yeah and thank you!!

I have received my first blog award!! Yeah for me!


Thank you Un-Bride!! You have to check out her amazing blog here. She cracks me up! Since things have been crazy busy here, I am going to pass this awesome award on tomorrow. Maggie is going to the sitters for awhile tomorrow so I will have some time to myself. Yes, I will get more stuff done then blogging. Just wanted to say thank you to Un-Bride!! Thanks for reading!! Seriously...

P.S. Can some one more experienced tell me how to add this to my sidebar! Thanks in advance!

Not usually a bandwagon jumper but...

I have to put my 10 cents in(cuz I like to have high self esteem) on this President Obama school children speech hoopla. I propose a multiple choice question to those who would like to not have their children hear the leader of this wonderful country of ours(I served in the Air Force so I know just how wonderful it is!). Also, we voted him in, so suck it up...opsies, I promised myself not to jump to that line yet.

Would you rather have your children...

A. Listen to the leader of our country tell our children how important it is to stay in school, get good grades and strive to be the best they can be. Let President Obama be an example that anything is possible. Oh, and apparently, he is African American.

B. Let your children idolize a sports athlete who didn't finish college(hopefully high school was finished), beats up women/dogs/men/etc, does recreational activities which may or may not be legal...you get the point. Advertise for said athlete by purchasing and wearing their names on shirts, jackets, hats, posters, books, food, etc. Oh, and apparently quite a few of these athletes are African American. Most do not address children and encourage them to stay in school. Most just want and will make commercials asking they get their product to make them "better"(not to be confused with smarter) then others.

C. Watch any T.V. programming that is not on Disney or Nickelodeon and play any video game that consists of "finding and defeating(killing)" the enemy(typically of the human nature). Violence and sex, even in family sitcoms, have taken over prime time television, video games and the movies.

D. Both B and C

It seems like a lot of people are choosing only D. I don't understand the difference between idolizing an athlete and respecting the President. I am not trying to get all political. Lord knows that I get the majority of my political information from the girls on the "View" and I can't say that is a good thing. Just thought that all this hoopla over a speech given to our school children from the President is ridiculous and unnecessary. Seriously...

Pure Entertainment...

Yesterday, I was going on a walk with my little Maggie Lu, on a well used, well known trail here in town. The particular portion we were walking on is right next to a hugely busy road. It is super hot(ok, maybe if I was a little not so chunky it would not have seemed so hot), it is that time of the month and I am pushing Maggie in a new pink and purple car. Here are the problems with all that.

It is hot, I am wearing black exercise pants. That may or may not cause a little sweating between my thighs.
That sweat that may or may not be there, may or may not be causing my panty liner(that is for you Tanya) to feel like it is bunching up in my backside.
That bunching that may or may not be going on is making me feel like I have a noticeable lump in my drawers.
To make sure it doesn't look like it feels, I simply reach my hand around and "feel around"(don't pretend you don't know what I am talking about). I hate wearing said panty liner because it feels like a diaper, no matter how small they are. With all the walking and hotness, I feel like it has "gathered" in the back.
While quickly and casually checking things out, a random loser honks at me. This of course startles me. Clearly, I thought if I willed it hard enough, it would be invisible, what I am doing.
While being startled and trying to make it seem like I for sure wasn't touching my "bad parts" I kind of tripped over Maggies car.
Yeah, that was me flipping over the pink and purple car barely missing and taking Maggie out in the process. As I am laid sprawled out on the trail, on a very busy road, Maggie is laughing and not ONE person stops to make sure I am ok. I got two more honks but not one "hey, are you ok?!" Not even the guy riding his bike, who has to go off into the grass as I am brushing the dirt off of me, cannot even pretend that he is not laughing. Sir, if you refuse to make eye contact with me but you are laughing out loud, I can still see and hear you.
That is why I decided to stop leaving the house in the name of exercise...pure entertainment for everyone else but me. Seriously...

Pity party for one, right over here

I have nothing to complain about...if you ask most people. But, I am going to have a pity party for myself. Tomorrow, I am going back to work. After being off for 14+ months. Only part-time. Three days a week. Actually two to start but hoping three soon. I was reminded I am a girl today too, which doesn't help with the emotional part of me(90% in case you were wondering). I want to go out and make some money and feel like I can do more then sing and perform(rather well if you ask me)the "Silly Dance Contest" by Jim Gill. Check him out here. Maggie thinks I am freakin great, btw. Maggie is going to a babysitter that is not family for the first time ever. That makes me sad. Can't continue, can't see through the tears. Pity party for one, being seated immediately. Very blessed, still pouting. Can't make complete sentences. Shit. Seriously...