Farm life

Farm life
Farm girls look beautiful to get dirty

Friday, May 5, 2017

Today is Friday May 5th.  I wish I was celebrating with chips, salsa and margaritas.  However, I am not.  I am recovering from gallbladder surgery.  Let me tell you.  I don't care if you have an inch long incision or an eighty inch long incision, it fucking hurts when the dermabond starts peeling off.   The pain of that doesn't even compare to the pain in my stomach from wanting to eat, not being able to eat, trying to eat but it kills my insides.  Food is like cocaine for me at the moment.  I resist it and resist it.  And then I try just a little bit, and get sucked into just a couple more bites.  Then the worst food hangover ever happens.  Just to clarify, I only assume that is what cocaine is like.
I had my tonsils out Feb 23rd.  So this year has really sucked so far.  I keep hoping and keep being told I will be a new woman after I am healed.  It can't happen fast enough.  I will say getting my tonsils out was the best thing I did.  Recovery was horrible, but well worth it!
Physically, I don't know what I am.  Ive lost weight but no one can tell.  My clothes feel better so that is all the matters.  I have more energy, even being down after surgery.  Weight will always be a struggle I guess.  I just want to be happy.  If size 12 is happy, I'll proudly be a size 12!!  But enough about that.
Here is my big "coming back to blog" issue.  Toxic people.  I am surrounded by toxic people.  I CANNOT get myself healthy if I am not surrounded by people who love me and support me.  Love and support does not mean what can I do for them to make their lives easier.  It does not mean being my friend and then talking about me behind my back.  Love and support is being there when I don't want anyone to be there.  Knowing I'm not ok and still doing nothing about it.
Grief, I will talk a lot about grief too.  Because I am not over my dad's death as well or as much as I thought I was.
So just a preview of whats to come.  I still spend too much, dress my daughters SO much better than myself, love farm life and love my husband more than words can say.  Funniness will definitely be a part of this as well.  Hopefully most of it!

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