Mom jeans can be sexy...right?

I am an official soccer mom. Except that I don't have a soccer player to cart around in my new mini van. I have a cheerleader and a toddler and a baby on the way. I never thought I would say this and I was soooo reluctant to get on but...I LOVE MY MINI VAN!!! If it means I am uncool, then I am happy to be uncool. How did I survive without this hunk of metal before! And the best part is I have a moon roof still. Yeah me! Just you wait and see. Maybe I will get a pair of mom jeans for Christmas!! I cannot wait to drive myself and a car full of kids around and get groceries. All without having to plan ahead and take the stroller out of the back! Oh the simple things in life. I am one happy hormonal gal...at the moment. Seriously...

The Vikings Suck...

The Minnesota Vikings Suck big brown footballs. What the hell has happened to them the last couple weeks. Clearly Brett Favre is pulling a Randy Moss and only playing when he feels like it. Come on boys, get your head out of your tight spanexed asses and play football like you know how. Really, you are looking like the Packers tonight! Seriously...

BTW...love you mom even if you are a Packers fan!

Is it just me....?

Is it just me or does anyone else think it is very odd that Brooke Shields is doing a commercial for eyelash regrowth/thickening? Maybe how many eyelashes a person has has nothing to do with how bushy their eyebrows are but I would think with her substantial amount of hair above her lid that there would be no lack of them on the lid? Maybe it was just me that found that ironic. I roll that way! Seriously...

P.S. This topic has been driving my husband crazy. I go on a 5 minute rant every time I see it and he tells me I need to get a life every time. Huh, I think I am observant, not in need of a life.

P.P.S. My absolute favorite commercial right now is the one where the dad is trying to fix something behind the t.v. to make it work and the rest of his family is laughing hysterically as one of his sons is filming his behind, which is shown on the t.v. screen. The girl with her face in the pillow slapping the couch makes me do the same thing every time I see it. Ok, maybe I do need to get a life. Seriously...

Calgon, take me away...

I have had a headache everyday for three weeks now. Yeah, it blows! I think my head is too heavy for neck. That is what it feels like. I think I would be ok with putting my head in a vice grip right about now. Darvocet worked for about 1.3 hours and now it is coming back in full force. If I had to choose between peeing my pants everyday and having a headache everyday I would pick peeing my pants in a heartbeat. At least peeing your pants doesn't hurt. Just smells. I can wear some scented Depends and will be all good. Clearly, it is that bad. Please, Santa, all I want for Christmas this year is a head that doesn't hurt. Oh and a digital SLR camera, a flip video camera, a case of Vaseline Sheer Infusion lotion in Vitamin Burst, a new pair of pink Uggs, a Jack Lalane Juicer, and the ability to go the rest of this pregnancy without gaining a pound...but in a healthy eating right and exercising kind of way. That's all. Thanks in advance. Seriously...

P.S. No, I am not a materialistic bitch. I want only a healthy and happy family for Christmas. That is just a list of things that if I had all the money in the world that is what I would buy! Don't judge.

Therapy is in her near future....

Makayla is the queen of stalling before bed. Last night was no exception. After practically blowing a vein from holding in my frustration as she whined about not wanting to go to bed, she finally stomped to bed. Or so I thought. After about 10 minutes I heard her crying at the top of the stairs calling for me. That vein that went back to its normal size immediately puffed to 10 times its size. Then she says a phrase that I about had a stroke hearing. No, it wasn't I started my period. Although that would bring on the same panic. She said "I have a brush stuck in my hair". I about pass out because I know what brush she is talking about. Yep, she found my round brush that I thought was tucked far far away. They should be illegal in all states. After what seemed like 10 years, I got the brush out. Without cutting her hair! I was tempted sooo many times. If I wasn't home, my husband would have cut it without a second thought. Thank goodness I was home! :) Enjoy! Seriously...

I have almost everything I could want....yet I am not content

This is a "feel sorry for myself" kind of blog. I know what you are thinking. Boo hoo. Get over it. Well, I have tried. I will let you all know, because I am sure you are waiting with baited breath.

~I am still struggling with being pregnant again, so soon. I know that it is a huge blessing. I totally get that. I understand that there are so many people out there who want nothing more then a baby. I am super blessed to be able to have babies and I love them with all my spirit, heart, and being. It is just taking a little longer then I thought to have the shock wear off. I secretly fear that I will not love this little one as much as the others. Sweet Jesus I hope I am SO wrong. Oh and I am getting my usual "pregnancy headaches" seriously every day now. I don't remember getting them in the second trimester so I thought I had escaped them this time. I was wrong and now I have a cranky 10 year old and a crankier 16 month old. That makes for a CRANKIEST mom.

~I love my job. I am so thankful that I even HAVE a job. But at the same time, I don't like my job. I am the only one who does what I do. That makes it very hard to take a day off. It puts a lot of pressure and frustration on me to make sure I am there every day, no matter what. That includes making Maggie go to daycare after giving her advil to make sure she doesn't seem warm even though she has a slight fever. Then I cross my fingers that she isn't cranky at the sitters so the sitter doesn't check her temp! I am making myself sick with this season of sickness because I cannot miss a day of work. That makes you not like your job so much. That and I asked for a day off next month and I was told begrudgingly that they would try to "make it work". I just told them I was pregnant and I feel like I am being treated a little different. Like you are taking time off when you have this baby, don't you think that is all the time off you need. In other words, don't even think of being gone a day until that lil one pops out!

~My husband had an unusual harvest season as I am sure you remember me bitching about. Well the crops are out yet I haven't seen him. That better change or my marital status will!!!

~I am having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. Partly because of this damn weather. I would like to fall asleep and wake up in the spring. Maybe I was meant to be a bear. I hope that is what I am in my next life.

So I hope I didn't send anyone into a deep depression while reading this. It is no fun being there, but I hope you all tell me to "snap out of it twinkle toes...it could be a lot worse"!!! Thanks for listening to me do what I do best....bitch!!! Seriously...

oh the joys of wet panties....

I sneezed today while walking out of Target. I peed myself a little. I am not proud of this. As a matter of fact this is the second time I have done this during this pregnancy. I am only 14 weeks. I have a feeling it is going to be a long 26 more weeks. If this keeps up I will have three in diapers. Remind me again on what a blessing this is. Seriously...

Thankful for...wait, it's not boring...exciting news

Now that all the Thanksgiving festivities are over I will reminisce about the long weekend.

~We had a great time with friends and family! Lots of get togethers and lots of cranky Maggie to go around but overall, I have great kids!
~Lots of good food! Holy guacamole! Wait, guacamole may be the only thing I didn't eat over the last 3 days. I *heart* turkey!
~I actually think Maggie may have out eaten all of us, including her dad! She never stopped. Makayla didn't eat much at all...maybe because Maggie ate it all!
~5 dollars that Maggie's favorite holiday ends up being Turkey day!
~I am so thankful that I have family with a great sense of humor! I especially want to send a humor shout out to a certain Aunt and Uncle. Without them and their sense of humor I would need to be medicated!!
~I am so thankful that my husband continues to put up with me. I decided to clean the house on Fri/Sat and I mean top to bottom. I may or may not have cussed/shouted/threatened to move out if it didn't stay that way. Oh and I told him to get a new profession...for the 628 time this fall!
~Now.....drumroll please.......WE ARE EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE................

WE ARE CRAZY ENOUGH TO.........


GIVE THIS PARENTING THING ONE MORE GO-AROUND.....

Yep...THIRD TIMES A CHARM!!!!!!!!!!!

BABY KELLEY3 IS ON THE WAY!!!!!!!!!

This was a complete surprise to us. Yes, we know how babies are made. That is why we were "protected" or so we thought! The last three months have been hell and I wanted to bitch about how awful I have been feeling but wanted the shock to wear off. It still hasn't but I figured if I can openly talk about it on here, I will probably have nothing to bitch about!!! Seriously...

Just a few thoughts on my day...oh what a day!

First, is it just me or is talking about your recent boob job to a patients mom in the waiting room really professional?

Setting...Dentist office
Characters...Receptionist and Patients Mom

I was in the sterilization room and overheard the following conversation.

Recept: I was told the first two days post op would be ok and then it would get worse for a couple days and then get better. Today is the worst day so far but overall it isn't as painful as I thought.

My thoughts while I was hearing this was: "holy shit, please tell me she is not telling a patients mom about her boob job!"

Then pts Mom says: The first time I had them done it was a lot more painful then when I got them redone

Holy boobs batman, they are sharing boob job stories! Seriously, I can't make this shit up!

BTW, she had the surgery done on Wed. of last week and her boobs are still touching her chin, I hope they go down and are not a result of the "deal" she got!

Move on to me picking up Maggie from the sitters. When I get there, the sitter tells me that she !really! thinks I need to take Maggie to the doctor. Oh, great, not this again. I did not take her this weekend, even after her fever on Friday night because it never came back. And her snot is clear, she just has a ton of it. Well, she "highly recommended" I take her. In saying that maybe I should not bring her back until she sees the dr. So because I have no husband at the time being I made the executive decision to take her to prompt care. I can't miss anymore work for sick kids. I dont' want to be fired just yet! So I take her....to the disgusting yet conveniently open for working parents who don't want to miss work...Prompt Care. Let me tell you how that went!

Setting: Waiting room
Characters: Me, Maggie(in a stroller so she cant run around touching all the dirtiness that is on everything), a 2 year old boy, a clueless mom and a very disengaged dad.

2 year old is running wild, touching every magazine, well throwing the magazines all over the waiting area. Oh wait he just moved on to pulling every kleenex out of the box. Oh no she didnt, she just put them back in the box. Ewwww. Note to self. Don't read the magazines and don't use the kleenex!
2 year old sees Maggie and comes barreling over to her(still in her stroller) and reminds me of a St. Bernard. He has slobber running out of his mouth. His hands just came out of his mouth and they are dripping as well. My thoughts are "please don't make me stiff arm you, please don't make me trip you, please don't come near my precious well behaved baby girl". Holy sickness batman, he just touched the stroller. I say to him, "oh no, please don't touch the stroller, my little girl is sick and you don't want to get even sicker". The mom tells me "oh he isn't sick, we think he has pink eye". Are you f*cking kidding me. So pink eye is ok to spread all over the waiting room. What are you thinking, it makes it better because it isn't the flu?! I get out my wipes and wipe down her stroller. I do not care who I offend at this point. We are not letting some ignorant lazy mom allow her demon child to give my little girl pink eye. I ignore her attempts to make conversation. I am actually texting my husband telling him what is going on. He tells me to kick the kid. I am so tempted.

Final story. The Dr who looks about 20, and has the confidence of a worm, asks my 15 month old to open wide for her as she attempts to put a tongue depressor in her mouth. Maggie sucks on it like it is a Popsicle and wont' open. Yet, she still manages a smirk as the Dr says again, "can you open really big". I think I know exactly what Maggie is thinking and I too am smirking! Finally, she tells me that she thinks she has a ear infection. She says thinks because it could be healing on its own or just getting started. She tells me several times that she is going to give me a script for Amox and not to have it filled until she continues to have a fever and/or gets worse. Well let me tell you, Meijer had her Amox ready in less then 10 minutes as she was screaming and we stood right in front of the counter the whole time. And she thought I was serious when I agreed to wait to have it filled! Seriously...

My daughter is plotting against me...

My beautiful, wonderful, smart, funny, too cute for words daughter is plotting against me. I swear. Little Magdelicious has had a cold for the last week. She had a lot of green snot but no fever and acted pretty normal. Just a tad crabby. I figured it was just a cold like I had at the same time. I got over mine pretty fast and assumed she would too. Well, the sitter told me she wasn't acting like herself so I figured I would call the doctor today and try to get her in. You know before the weekend and being my only day off. So, the princess gets up this morning and doesn't have boogers all over her face and her snot is clear through out the day. I decide to not call the doctor. I am proud as I am being the good mom and not the crazy mom that calls the doctor for every sniffle.
She takes a later nap this afternoon then she usually does. So when she wakes up at 5:30 I am super pissed that she has a fever. 102.8. Are you kidding me. Seriously! She waits until after the doctors office is closed and then she gets a damn fever. So now I have to take her to prompt care tomorrow and sit in a germ infested waiting room for hours and get us infected with everything everyone else has. Kids, you gotta love them. Go figure, I was home for a year with 2 kids and not once did they get sick. Now, I am working and it is like they are making up for lost time! Seriously...

Farmer dictionary...

Bored Meeting: What happens when a group of farmers get rained out. They have lunch and call it a "bored meeting".

When my husband told me he had a board meeting at lunch on a recent day that he got rained out from harvesting, I asked him what board he was on. He informed me that they were bored and decided to have lunch together. To make the wives happy, they tell them they have a "bored meeting"to make it sound like it is necessary! Clever I must say!

I just may have to have my own "bored meeting" some night with the girls! Then we will see how clever he thinks he is! Seriously...

New blog post, same bitchin'

I have been reminded that I need to be more up-to-date on my blogging. Let me explain why. It has continued to be C-R-A-Z-Y here. I haven't even had a chance to shave my...well some things shouldn't be discussed! It was going to be big toe if anyone was curious! ;) My choice of a lifetime mate has me wondering if I make good decisions. I love my husband dearly. If you know me, you know it takes a special kind of person to put up with me on a daily basis! However, I do not love his profession. Especially this time of the year. As I have mentioned before, he is a farmer. I HIGHLY discourage anyone from marrying a farmer that did not grow up in a farming family. It takes some getting used to. Oh boy, does it take some getting used to. It wasn't that difficult until we had our youngest. I then realized that my being a single parent for 4 years was obviously training for what is now my reality!

Enough about that. Onto other areas of craziness. Makayla is driving me crazy, which is nothing new. Her cheerleading schedule and the cost are about to drive me to an early grave. Her wonderful oboe is in the shop and she will officially have missed two oboe lessons tomorrow. That pisses me off but glad to not have the noise!! Maggie and I have come down with a cold. Nothing major, just your common cold. I cannot tell you how much better you feel when you have a cold as opposed to the piggy flu! I don't like a snotty nose on myself, but I will take it any day over the piggy flu! Maggie is now saying so many words! Here is a list of her favorites:
mommy, daddy, happy, ball, bug, peas(for please...it is so cute, she gets whatever she asks for when she says"peas"), go-go-go, deac(for her friend Deacon at the sitter), up, out, pretty, all done, uh oh, ouchie, sock, shoe, coat, kids, and lots of things that I can't figure out! She can moo like a cow and roar like a lion. She impresses us everyday!! She refuses to say any form of Makayla and I think she knows exactly what she is doing!!

Oh and there is something I am going to wait a couple more weeks to spill....it involves my oldest daughter and you will get a kick out of it!!!

Sorry this isn't funny or witty, just giving the scoop on why I have been MIA. Miss you all and will be back to blogging soon! I promise! Seriously...

Maybe animals aren't my thing....

I got my first deer of the season. Actually, to be honest, someone else got him/her first and I got the pleasure of hitting a dead deer in the middle of the road. Who does that? Me! It was on a country road at dusk. Not completely dark but the sun was down. The deer blended well with the road. I was possibly going 60+ miles an hour. When I realized there was a deer laying in the road, I freaked. I braked hard, there was a car coming in the other lane so I couldn't swerve, the ditch didn't seem like a good idea with how much rain we have had. I, shivering, ran it over. Now you have to understand that I had no idea what to do. It all happened so fast and I had Maggie in the car with me. Flipping in the ditch wasn't my idea of fun, although it would make getting a new car easier if I would have totaled it! So, I hit it hard! What amazed me was how my car took the hit and was really ok after. No difference in how it drove. The only thing I noticed when I got home was a lot of deer fur under the car! EWWWWW. I just kept thinking, why couldn't it have been closer to home and those damn turkeys!!! So, that is how my world works. I hit deer that are already dead laying in the middle of the road. Oh, and I am not blonde!!! I may have been on the cell phone though! Shhhh. Don't tell my husband! Seriously...

Help me deal with 10 year old girls...Please!!!

My 10 year old went to a sleep over last night. It was at a friends house that I don't usually allow her to go to. Her mom has made some bad choices and her kids behavior reflects some very poor parenting. Well, Makayla begged and the mom called 38 times. My husband told me Makayla was old enough to know when something wasn't right and we should let her go. I reluctantly agreed. Then I watched an Oprah that I had DVR'd and there was a mom whose daughter was in a bad car accident where another girl died because a mom was drinking and driving with a car full of 11 year olds. The mom said she should have trusted her instincts and not let her go. I was hysterical after that.

I told Makayla to call me ANYTIME, even at 2 in the a.m. if she wasn't comfortable and I would come get her. The girls that were there have not always been respectful of each other and really, down right mean to each other.

Makayla called me at 1:53 a.m. this morning. Luckily her dad was up with lil crab cakes(cookie right before bed, not a great idea!) and got the call. He asked her what was wrong, she said she wasn't having fun and wanted to come home. He asked if she was ok and she said never mind and hung up. I am so glad I was asleep and didn't know this until this morning. He said she wasn't crying and she just sounded tired. I would have gone right over there and gotten her but he let it go.

I had my wonderful husband pick her up early as I was worried. When she got home and I asked her how it was, she started crying. First, she was SUPER tired, not much sleep. Then she got right into what had happened. One of the girls at the party was the culprit for the phone call. This particular girl has been nothing but a headache for us. Let me share with you.

We had her spend the night and she was SO rude to my husband and I and even worse to Makayla. I offered her everything we had to eat and drink, she wouldn't even answer me. She pouted the whole time she was here and completely ignored anyone trying to talk to her. I offered to take her home several times and I should have just put her ass in the car and taken her home. Well I guess she did the same thing at the sleepover last night. Glad it wasn't just us!

She was on our cheerleading team and while at a water park resort with the team she stole a key chain from the gift shop. She is not someone I want my daughter around. I was livid when we were on our way home and Makayla told me that. Supposedly her mom found out and made her send a letter and the key chain back. Or so the girl told my daughter when I threatened to go to her mom.

She is insanely jealous of everyone at all times. To the point where Makayla feels bad about wearing something new because it will cause this particular girl to stop talking to her. I have told Makayla several times that she is not worth her time but Makayla has such a huge heart that she makes herself available to even mean girls.

She is very physically rough too. She threw a wii remote at Makayla at the party because she was beating her. She always punches girls in the stomach at school. Smacks people in the back. Ridiculous.

So, how do we handle this girl. She is crazy and I think we will see her name in the paper in the future, and not for good things. I was all worried about the host and her daughter and it turns out that that was the least of my worries!!! Seriously...

How can it be November already!!!

I simply will not let myself believe that it is November already. I am officially in November denial. I love Thanksgiving and I love the fall colors. I love sweaters, jeans, boots. I am just not ready for the wind. Cold, cold wind. Snow, ice, and all that comes with fall and winter. I guess nothing I can do will change this fact. I do question why I left Charleston, SC to move back here though. My husband cannot move his farm land so we are here to stay. One day I will let that sink in. For now I will continue to dream about warm fall cities, no snow and no wind. Seriously...

What is going on you ask...

Here is a rundown of life here at our reality...

~Maggie is now being referred to as a bull in a china store. She learned at the sitters that all she has to do is scream/grunt/yell at the twin 2 year old boys who are smaller then her and they give her what they have. They don't even put up a fight.
~She also tries to walk through her toys, not around them. She is the center of her universe and we are just props.
~Makayla is well again, although looking like a twig. She wasted away to nothing with her piggy flu. Don't be worried, she has ALL of her sass back and a little extra to make up for being so compliant for the week.
~I don't know if I have the piggy flu/stomach flu/or just good ole exhaustion! Whatever it is, it can kiss my big squishy ass!!
~My sister is getting married!!!!! MP proposed on Thursday night and her ring is ridiculous gorgeous! They are an amazing couple and he is so lucky to be joining this crazy family!!
~My house is at the point where it would be easier to move then try to clean it. Actually, clean is what it is, cluttered and a disarray is how is looks!
~Farmer Joe got a good 5 days in the field and got rained out just in time for me to lay in bed for a couple days. I love weather and clearly that rain dance I did in my head worked this time!
That is all for now, I will let all this soak in and get back to blogging more regularly when I am feeling better!

Are you serious?!?!?!?

In previous posts, I joked about having different animal type flu's going around this house. Well, I guess karma is a bitch folks, cuz I am now dealing with a 10 year old with H1N1. Because she is so special she has the vomiting that comes along with some cases of the piggy flu. I have been a tad bit nauseous for a couple weeks now and I can't tell you how much I enjoy hearing her dry heave and throw up ALL. THE. TIME! Our household has literally been sick now for about 5 weeks straight. I thought we would be over the sickies but I guess He didn't want us to get too comfortable and care free. Nope, I have washed my hands more then if I was working full time again....oh shit, wait, I am working full time now. Hope I don't lose my job staying home with Miss Piggy. No, I don't call her that to her face. She can't know that she has the piggy flu, she has the soul of a 90 year old woman who will worry herself right into a nursing home if she did. So, how do you keep oneself from getting a virus that is so brutal and on a rampage, besides running away and holing up in a 5 star penthouse for a year? Please, any suggestions would be great. I will consider ALL options! Thanks, and disinfect your hands and eyes after reading this, we don't want you to get sick too! Seriously...

Be patient with me please...

So a lot of new things are going on here in My Reality. One, a new job. Two, I am working 4 days a week now. I was only working one day and that was only the last month. It is hard, don't judge. Three...you will have to wait. Oh yeah, my husband still hasn't gotten any crops out of the ground yet. We will be taking him out turkey to his tractor on Thanksgiving. Oh, and everything is really bad timing!!

Too tired to post anything tonight that makes sense. So here is a run down.

~Went to the Vikings/Rams game yesterday! It was awesome, the Vikings stomped the Rams and we enjoyed every second of it!!! I love football.
~Maggie is finally feeling better, just a little runny nose here and there.
~Makayla is going as Nancy Drew for Halloween. It was one of the only costumes that did not look like she was going as a stripper...at age 10.
~My sinus infection is NOT going away and I am ready to do a little surgery on myself. Don't know what I would do but something has to happen.
~My house is a disaster due to a busy weekend, going back to work and no one helping me. I officially don't care until I feel better.
~I love my mom!
~I miss my sister!
~I loved hangin out with my brothers at the game!
~I don't like starting new jobs, yet I love change, go figure. Really, I miss the hell out of the girls from the old job.

Ok, that is enough to put you to sleep. Hope you all can be patient and keep reading even if they make no sense and may skip a day. I am off to bed. Seriously...

Me and my curves are no match for a Chevy Trailblazer...

Yesterday we(me, crabby 1 and crabby 2) were on our way into town and oldest crabby couldn't get her seat belt buckled because of little crabby's car seat. I told her to figure it out. I was not about to stop the car. That is how super moms do things, they say figure it out. I am not ashamed. Well it appears the she could not get it. So I tell her to crawl over her sister and get in the other seat. She does it with the swiftness of a gisele. That made me remember my own experience trying to get from one seat to another while in a moving vehicle. Mine went a little something like this...hit it...

We were driving home from a baby shower in Chicago and I was feeding lil crabby. Well I get severely car sick so I wanted to get into the front seat but didn't want to stop to do it. I thought how hard is it to go over the seat. So I make the attempt. I guess I am a bit of a reverse anorexic/bulimic. I think I am smaller then I am.

I got stuck. Really?!

Oh boy did I get stuck. I had half of my body over the headrest and my head wedged against my dear hubby. Maybe it was my approach.

Maybe it is because a grown woman shouldn't climb over the front seat. If I was smaller, like my daughter it wouldn't have been a problem. I guess that is why they made doors on vehicles. Seriously...

I. HATE. TYPING....right now

I was half way through a post about all that I had to bitch about and got so frustrated with my typo's that I said screw it and deleted the whole damn thing. Do you ever have days where you can't type a damn word without hitting the back space 14,000 times. That is my night. All I want to do is scream "F***********************************". So realizing how inappropriate and immature that is I will just quietly say f*** and go to bed while dreaming of throwing the damn computer out the window. Sorry this isn't Nobel peace prize worthy shit, I am straight up pissed. Night....Seriously....

P.S. Lots of changes going on here in my reality so keep checking back for the breaking news...

Sweet tap dancin Jesus, is that a turkey on your car...

Just in case you were not fully understanding my misfortune while trying to get some exercise in the other day(in case you missed it check it out), here is some proof.

My mom was coming over last night to watch crabby 1 and crabby 2 so my husband and I could have a date night. I don't think she will come back. Not because we "forgot" to feed the crabbies before we left, stayed out way past our curfew, or because the crabby kids tied her up and put her in a closet so they could shot gun Dr. Peppers. No, it is because of this.

Yes, you see that creature on the top of my moms car? That would be one of the ferocious turkeys that our jack ass neighbor is "raising wild". Remember, they travel together. Where are the other two you are asking? Let me show you...

Since we only had two cars in the area, one got the shaft and had to stay on the ground behind the trailblazer. Quite the funny guys, those turkeys. So, please send sympathy that we are prisoners of our own home because some jack monkey decided to be damn Dr. Doolittle and think having wild turkeys would be so much fun for this country neighborhood.

I think our dog, who we got scolded by Dr Doolittle for him eating his chickens, was only trying to protect us and the underground fence will be malfunctioning next time he is away from animal kingdom. Seriously...

Signs....

You are all sick of me complaining pursuing a healthier lifestyle. I know, me too. I try, that is all you can do, right!? Well, if you didn't know that I am allergic to exercise, I am. Deathly. It causes me great physical harm. Oh wait, that is what happens to others when I try! Here is another case in point. I have been taking walks with crabalicious lately. It is the only thing that keeps me from putting her in a closet, with kibble. Well, we have a neighbor that has "wild" turkeys that he is raising...I don't know how wild and raising can be in the same sentence. Anyways they are vicious. MEAN little bastards. Well I was out avoiding dealing with my daughters temperament walking and I saw a cute fuzzy little caterpillar. I was attempting to pick the cutie up for crabalicious and three turkeys charged me. At first, I thought for sure they would stop. I continued, bent over, picking up the damn caterpillar and they continued charging!! I literally had to run with the stroller to get away from these bastards. I of course was screaming like a girl and I am sure I looked like a moose pulling a uhaul but I ran like I have never ran before. I managed to escape the wrath of the evil turkeys but now I am scared to walk again. I guess this is just another sign that I should abstain from any type of physical activity. I hear you loud and clear. Seriously...

P.S. I think we may celebrate Thanksgiving three times this year.

Brick wall...

This is the text I sent my husband this a.m.

"Next time you want to get crabalicious up after she has only cried for a total of 2.3 seconds and bring her to me while I am sleeping and then leave, please smash my head against a brick wall as I think that would be less painful...love your cranky wife"

I get it that he wants to see her in the morning before he leaves for work. Whatever. I am a mom, I have a sixth sense on when she is crying to be crying and when she is awake and needs to get up. Her crying didn't even wake me up so therefore, she was not ready to get up. For the next two and a half hours she was awake, she cried or whined for two hours and 29 minutes.

Next time he does that I think I will have to drop her off with him and tell him, enjoy! Seriously...

P.S. If crabalicious is going to be sick and have a fever all winter long, there is not enough alcohol in the world to get me through this. Or drugs for that matter. Just kidding mom, kinda!

So that is what he was talking about...

My husband has warned me from the first meal I attempted to make him, "Do not use a knife". I believe that I was chopping vegetables then. I didn't know why he would tell an adult woman this. Maybe he saw something in me that gave him a heads up. He may be right. He has reminded me of this warning every time I whip a knife out. Tonight I was chopping onions for our salad. I may or may not have heard his voice in the back of my head as I was reaching for the knife. So one smooth move and my finger tip fell off. Ok, maybe it didn't fall off but it was dangling. Ok, so maybe I just sliced it a chunk bit. Why does he have to be right? I was all ready to hop in the car to get it surgically reattached but remembered if I make a big deal out of my finger, he would start cutting my steak for me again. Yes, I am that bad with knives. Sharp little suckers. Seriously...

Decided...

I have finally came to a decision about Makayla and Maggie's future. I was driving through campus tonight with my 10 year old and I was appalled. To quote a line I heard from T.V. the other night..."we all know you are a girl, you don't have to prove it". I would say that over 80% of the girls on campus were walking around skirts so short that I could see their belly button rings from under their skirts!! Really! Ok, maybe not that short but still, if you had any doubt on what gender they were, it would be clear by how much their skirt revealed. Where are their friends? Who would let them leave the house like that. Oh, yeah, they are walking right there with them wearing theirs even shorter. So, I have decided that I will not only homeschooling them through junior high and high school, I will continue to do so thru college. Yes, and arranged marriages are sounding better and better. Seriously...

Out of the Darkness...

Tomorrow I am walking in the local Out Of The Darkness Suicide Prevention walk. I am walking in honor of my dad. I have done a walk before and was excited to see we have a walk in my own town. I am always amazed at how taboo talking about suicide is but yet when I do somehow get asked or mention it, everyone seems to have been affected or know someone who was by suicide. It is such a lonely way to grieve. You can't count on your friends because they don't know what to say so they stay silent. Family, not immediate, would rather stick razors up there ass then be an extended family(again not all just most). You tend to just keep it in. Not healthy. So I am all for raising money to support a cause that is trying to release the stigma associated with it. I am proud to say that I have raised $410 dollars for tomorrow. My team "Too Talls Gang" is the second highest fund raiser. Go me!! Thank you to all that donated! Here are a few things I have learned from dealing with a suicide.
*these are my thoughts, please don't think I am pretending to be an expert, I am not!

~The person who takes his/her own life is not the person you know and love. Physically yes, mentally no. I can only imagine how sad and desperate and lonely a person must feel to think that is the only way to make the hurt stop. Please don't judge a person who takes this step to end the pain and hurt. They are really only doing what they think they need to do to stop the pain/hurt and despair they are feeling. Is it right, or the right choice. I would say no but how can I know how another person feels.
~When a person takes their own life, they are trying to escape their own demons. Only they don't realize that their loved ones take on those demons and try to figure it all out. I don't know why I think I can solve my dads problems, he could not and they were his. I have my own struggles and yet I can't shake his.
~As a survivor of suicide(no I did not try to take my own life, this is how they refer to those left behind from suicide), I am no longer given simple freedoms. If I take one too many Advil for a headache, my husband asks if I am sad. If I want to go through the box of things my dad left me, my husband get anxious being that I called him while he was working asking for the gun safe code since the box is in their. He won't give me the code. If I am depressed, I am on "suicide watch" by family members. I don't like that feeling. I promised every one I love that this is not my fate.
~If you mention suicide to someone who does not know your personal experience with it, chances are they have been affected by it somehow too. Or they know someone who has been affected. I am afraid it will be like cancer. Everyone will have a story of how they were affected.
~There is not enough support for suicide survivors. There are only books that are very biological in nature. You will go through this first and then this and then this. Bullshit. I want someone to spill there guts on crying, laughing, making fun of those who went through the line at the visitation. You know the ones who asked how the person died and you responded by laughing because you couldn't fathom telling one more person how. I want to know all the inappropriate things they said/did because there is no how to manual on how to deal with the grief from the death and the abandonment you feel from those scared to talk to you about it. Instead of putting there discomfort aside, they pretend there is nothing to talk about.
~How a persons family can really fall apart when they should have learned that they need each other more then ever.
~How telling someone it was the devil is not comforting. Bringing up the devil implies that he is not in Heaven. I firmly believe he is in Heaven, no matter how much of a "sin" suicide is, he is in Heaven. If he was not, he would not be in my dreams, he would not be sending my little signs that he is with me. Don't confuse his personal demons with the devil.
~Anger is not a stage of grief that everyone goes through. Don't force me to go through an emotion or a stage because a book tells me I have to.
~Don't make me feel like an outcast. I am still the same funny, silly, immature, did I mention funny person I was with him, and because of him. I have changed due to losing my father, I did lose a little piece of my heart, but not my being. Love me, treat me the same as before. Don't put the stigma on me.

I hope this gives you some insight on suicide and how to "handle" someone who is affected by it. I hope that none of the readers of this have dealt with suicide, outside of my family. If you have I am here for you and anyone who needs a friend.

I love you dad and am so glad to have known you for the 27 years I did. You were my best friend and my cheerleader when I had no one else. For that I am forever grateful. You will remain perfect in my eyes and I will always think of your smile and laugh and how your stories took FOREVER and how I got your personality but not your height. Damnit. Really, 6'8" and all I got was 5'7". I am glad you gave me the things you did because I wouldn't trade me for anyone else. Well maybe some height. Still. Bitter. About. The. Height. I love you more!! Seriously...

Anxiety overload...

I *heart* me some Criminal Minds! I seriously love that show, and want to marry it. Oh wait, that is what my conversation with my daughter was. Yeah 10 year olds. So funny. Back to the story. I look forward to this show more then any other CSI, NCIS, etc. criminal investigation type show. My hubby and I even have a don't watch without me rule. Ok, maybe I threaten him that he has to wait for me. You want to know why? Because it scares the shit out of me. I am talking full on cold sweats, shaking uncontrollably, heart racing kind of anxiety when I watch it. But it is SO good. Morgan, Reid, JJ, Prentiss, Hotchner you know all the cool people who are insanely good looking, smart and my all time favorite...Penelope Garcia. I love me some Morgan and Garcia relationship!! Ok, a tad bit obsessed. But I get some major anxiety when I watch it. I cannot watch it by myself. I tried during the day once, called my hubby from our closet and begged him to come home. Clearly, I need help. Watching the season premier, at night, in bed, lights off = long night and frustrated husband. I had him turn the lights on when either one of us had to go to the bathroom. I made him check three times that the doors were locked. I made him switch me sides of the bed since my side is by the door. I made him stay awake and watch SYTYCD to get bad feelings out of my head. It is after midnight at this point. Yeah I am bat shit crazy. He married me knowing that though so don't feel sorry for him. I don't get much sleep on Wed nights but I always look forward to another episode. It is just that damn good!!! Seriously...

What's up...

This is my life at the moment...

*I must be allergic to exercise. The last two times I got into a rhythm with a program and started to see results, I got sick. Not just the sniffles but horse flu sick(get it, horses are bigger then pigs, clearly I was that sick!) I guess I am meant to be dimply and soft and jiggle! I will be whoever I am supposed to be! ;)
*Maggie started saying "mommy". Not mama, but full on mommy with the cutest raspy voice ever(she had the croup, or the bumble bee flu, get it, smaller then a pig...you get the point). Well, it was cute until she said it for the 1 millionth time in a 24 hour period. Really...not so cute anymore. Then everyone else says "she wants you". Yeah, get over it and help the girl out. Pretend she is saying daddy or sister already.
*I was all geared up to try the 30 day shred for the first time tonight. My hubby and girls are out of the house for a little while so I popped it in. Well we are using a back up DVD player and it has no remote(I am too lazy to look for it and it hasn't been a problem with Horton Hears a Who). I could not get the damn bar to get past recommendations. I had good intentions. Refer back to point one, see what I am saying!!
*I am strongly procrastinating on making a resume. I don't want to leave my current job, but when your boss makes empty promises, you should take that as a hint! So, I figured why not blog a little, get my frustrations out and then go for the resume writing. I think it is a great plan.
*I am on the fourth book by Jen Lancaster. Pretty in Plaid. I am a little disappointed. I laughed out loud, peed myself a little, got a little work out on the abs, dreamed of being as funny as her, response from her first three. This one, not so much. I highly recommend her first three and maybe when I am done with this one I will have a different opinion. Bitter is The New Black, Bright Lights Big Ass, and Such a Pretty Fat are the first three. Seriously, go get them! She is a person you so badly want to be friends with.
*My wonderful 10 year old is doing great in school, has proven she is not my daughter by her math scores and is quickly losing interest in the oboe. YEAH, I mean we need to work on encouraging her, right. She is keeping track of everyone who is mean to her. I don't know what she is doing with this information but it worries me. I cannot wait until junior high so she can get away from the psychos girls in her class!!

Well I will leave you all knowing that I did survive the horse flu, Maggie survived the bumble bee flu, and no one else is sick so far. I can't believe that with all the Kleenex bombs left around the house! Seriously...

Selfish, indeed...

You know what is worse then a thirteen month old with croup. A mom that has a sinus infection/cold, has a huge amount of pressure built up in her already tight for room head, cannot breathe out of her nose, has toxic acid streaming down her throat, a headache that feels like my head is too heavy for my neck(again we are talking big here!)...oh and did I mention, feels like shit. It wouldn't be so bad if we got sick at different times.
She has never been one to get up in the middle of the night and not fall back to sleep(well at least since about 5 months). So this getting up in the middle of the night and wanting to stay up. For the birds. If I don't feel good, I sure as hell don't want to try to convince a whiney, snotty, coughing like a seal little girl to go back to sleep. Don't get me wrong, I want more then anything for her to feel better and if I could take her sickness away and have mine worse, I would. But, it makes for a very cranky mom. I guess when I require A LOT of sleep on a good day, being sick makes it worse. And having a sick child makes it worser(yes I know that is not a word, deal with it!). Clearly we are talking seriousness here;)!I have second thoughts all the time about having another baby on the sheer fact that I will have to do late night/early morning feedings again. Selfish, maybe. We all have our weaknesses, sleep happens to be mine. I can handle poop, pee, vomit, rashes, etc IF I have enough sleep. If I could change this about me I would. If I could some how take those damn power naps that everyone else seems to be able to do and feel wonderful, I would. If I take a nap, it has to be 2 hours minimum! There you have it. I am professing to the world, I suck at being sick! Seriously...

*cue comments telling me how brave I am for being a sick mom to a sick toddler*

Happy Grandparents Day

Make a Smilebox slideshow

On a lighter note...

Today has been a reminder to me of how good I have it. I remember where I was and what I was doing 8 years ago. I do not understand why they have to replay all of the footage from that day over and over again though. I do not need to see a person jumping to their death, again, to be reminded of what our nation has gone through. I say we need to respect the families and have memorials but we do not need to see the footage from that day any longer. Enough said. On a lighter note here are some randomness' from this week. You are welcome!

*Maggie went to an in home sitter for the first time. The report from day one went a little like this.
Sitter- "Maggie is not used to having someone in her room while sleeping, all through both naps she kept the others awake by talking to them." (I say you go girl and tell them what you have to say!)
Sitter-"Maggie ate VERY well today. She even helped herself to the food on the other kids trays. I finally had to move her away from them so they could finish eating." (I say, oh no, she is going to be THAT girl. I have visions of her standing over smaller girls in school taking there ding dongs, waving a fist at them!)
When I pick her up she is on a tractor in the back yard and a 3 year old boy is trying to help her with the tractor and she is grunting and pushing him away. (I say, you go girl and show that boy who is the boss! And yes, she is going to be THAT girl!)

*Makayla is in her first week of oboe lessons. Please send any donation you see fit to either soundproof her room or to order cases of wine so I can at least be loopy while listening to that!

*My boss is trying to make my recent workplace return as opposite of what we agreed upon and as miserable as possible so I quit. Um, yeah the joke is on you because I can last so much longer then you think, Try me, just try me.

*Big Brother has got me in quite the tizzy. I said at least 5 times during the hour long show that I am done. Well I was just kidding. Come on Jordan!!

*Have I died and gone to heaven...another season of So You Think You Can Dance is on AGAIN! What a good girl I must have been this year as I got an early Christmas present this year. I do believe, I do believe!

I hope you all managed to get through the day and reflect on how much our Service men and women have done for us. Having served our Country, I am proud for the time I did and would go back in a second to help defend our freedoms and rights that so many take for granted. Hoorah Air Force. Seriously...

Yeah and thank you!!

I have received my first blog award!! Yeah for me!


Thank you Un-Bride!! You have to check out her amazing blog here. She cracks me up! Since things have been crazy busy here, I am going to pass this awesome award on tomorrow. Maggie is going to the sitters for awhile tomorrow so I will have some time to myself. Yes, I will get more stuff done then blogging. Just wanted to say thank you to Un-Bride!! Thanks for reading!! Seriously...

P.S. Can some one more experienced tell me how to add this to my sidebar! Thanks in advance!

Not usually a bandwagon jumper but...

I have to put my 10 cents in(cuz I like to have high self esteem) on this President Obama school children speech hoopla. I propose a multiple choice question to those who would like to not have their children hear the leader of this wonderful country of ours(I served in the Air Force so I know just how wonderful it is!). Also, we voted him in, so suck it up...opsies, I promised myself not to jump to that line yet.

Would you rather have your children...

A. Listen to the leader of our country tell our children how important it is to stay in school, get good grades and strive to be the best they can be. Let President Obama be an example that anything is possible. Oh, and apparently, he is African American.

B. Let your children idolize a sports athlete who didn't finish college(hopefully high school was finished), beats up women/dogs/men/etc, does recreational activities which may or may not be legal...you get the point. Advertise for said athlete by purchasing and wearing their names on shirts, jackets, hats, posters, books, food, etc. Oh, and apparently quite a few of these athletes are African American. Most do not address children and encourage them to stay in school. Most just want and will make commercials asking they get their product to make them "better"(not to be confused with smarter) then others.

C. Watch any T.V. programming that is not on Disney or Nickelodeon and play any video game that consists of "finding and defeating(killing)" the enemy(typically of the human nature). Violence and sex, even in family sitcoms, have taken over prime time television, video games and the movies.

D. Both B and C

It seems like a lot of people are choosing only D. I don't understand the difference between idolizing an athlete and respecting the President. I am not trying to get all political. Lord knows that I get the majority of my political information from the girls on the "View" and I can't say that is a good thing. Just thought that all this hoopla over a speech given to our school children from the President is ridiculous and unnecessary. Seriously...

Pure Entertainment...

Yesterday, I was going on a walk with my little Maggie Lu, on a well used, well known trail here in town. The particular portion we were walking on is right next to a hugely busy road. It is super hot(ok, maybe if I was a little not so chunky it would not have seemed so hot), it is that time of the month and I am pushing Maggie in a new pink and purple car. Here are the problems with all that.

It is hot, I am wearing black exercise pants. That may or may not cause a little sweating between my thighs.
That sweat that may or may not be there, may or may not be causing my panty liner(that is for you Tanya) to feel like it is bunching up in my backside.
That bunching that may or may not be going on is making me feel like I have a noticeable lump in my drawers.
To make sure it doesn't look like it feels, I simply reach my hand around and "feel around"(don't pretend you don't know what I am talking about). I hate wearing said panty liner because it feels like a diaper, no matter how small they are. With all the walking and hotness, I feel like it has "gathered" in the back.
While quickly and casually checking things out, a random loser honks at me. This of course startles me. Clearly, I thought if I willed it hard enough, it would be invisible, what I am doing.
While being startled and trying to make it seem like I for sure wasn't touching my "bad parts" I kind of tripped over Maggies car.
Yeah, that was me flipping over the pink and purple car barely missing and taking Maggie out in the process. As I am laid sprawled out on the trail, on a very busy road, Maggie is laughing and not ONE person stops to make sure I am ok. I got two more honks but not one "hey, are you ok?!" Not even the guy riding his bike, who has to go off into the grass as I am brushing the dirt off of me, cannot even pretend that he is not laughing. Sir, if you refuse to make eye contact with me but you are laughing out loud, I can still see and hear you.
That is why I decided to stop leaving the house in the name of exercise...pure entertainment for everyone else but me. Seriously...

Pity party for one, right over here

I have nothing to complain about...if you ask most people. But, I am going to have a pity party for myself. Tomorrow, I am going back to work. After being off for 14+ months. Only part-time. Three days a week. Actually two to start but hoping three soon. I was reminded I am a girl today too, which doesn't help with the emotional part of me(90% in case you were wondering). I want to go out and make some money and feel like I can do more then sing and perform(rather well if you ask me)the "Silly Dance Contest" by Jim Gill. Check him out here. Maggie thinks I am freakin great, btw. Maggie is going to a babysitter that is not family for the first time ever. That makes me sad. Can't continue, can't see through the tears. Pity party for one, being seated immediately. Very blessed, still pouting. Can't make complete sentences. Shit. Seriously...

How rude and who does that...

These are only two of the wonderful encounters I have had this weekend. Remember, these are the wonderful people we share this world with. Enjoy.

While shopping at a local department store, I needed to use the little girls room. While I was heading in that direction, I was following a woman who clearly thought I was stalking her, but no I was simply going to the same place she was. When she opened the door to the restroom, she assumes since she is through the door, she can "start". Well, I prefer to wait until I am BEHIND the stall door before I start letting them "rip". I thought that she was kind of brazen, doing so with two women clearly within ear shot. Me and the one washing her hands. So she goes into the stall and I go to the only empty one left, the one next to her(there are only 3 stalls). I am relieving my bladder and I hear, well, lets just say she had a tummy ache. Me on the other hand, I have no problem going to the bathroom in public when I have a tummy ache, BUT only in dire emergencies. Clearly, this must be dire. Only I actually try to time my activity to when someone flushes the toilet or turns the sink on. Come on, I am not the only one who has mastered this. Nope, this lady follows no rules but her own. So I am at the sink now, washing my hands and I hear her say "hey, we are still here in town, shopping, are we still meeting up later". I am FLOORED. First, I thought she was talking to me. I almost responded after ''hey", I thought with all that was going on in there, she may have needed help! So I pick my jaw up off the ground and hurry out of there. I can't believe that she is on the phone. While shedobeeing!! I can't get out of there fast enough. Can you imagine the person on the other end of the phone. I will tell you, they most definitely heard her!! People, seriously!!

Today, I am checking out at another department store and the cashier is being VERY flirty friendly with the old guy in front of me. She is doing every dumb girl, tossing her hair, giggling, smacking her gum trick. I am annoyed. It is taking twice as long as it should and I want to get out of here. From the conversation I am hearing it is a student(cashier) and teacher(old guy). I sure as hell hope it is college we are talking about. Really, both of you, really?! So he finally leaves and I feel a little guilty, like I should have given them a few moments of privacy. I move to my spot in front of her and she barely says hi, without looking up. Did you use all your eye contact on old guy teacher? She tells me the total without looking up still. Wait did you just throw the pen at me to sign the charge slip? Oh no you didn't. I am sorry I don't have a penis and I am not gushing all over the place about how purty you are and how smart you are. Get over it. You took this damn job knowing you will work with both genders. If you wanted to only be around penis' then you should have become a stripper. Seriously...

Hotels officially suck...

Hotels...go suck an egg. Because we decided to go away for a long weekend without kids we now have...bed bugs. I always thought that was something someone made up for a cute bed time rhyme. "Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. If they do get a shoe and beat them till they're black and blue". I remember being told that and singing that to my parents and sister and brothers. Now, I have a new rhyme for the bed bugs. "Goodnight, sleep tight, or lay in bed wondering if that was a bed bug or was that. Is that one. What about that". I finally went to the couch. This is all after my wonderful, anxiety filled, no sleep night the previous night. Snakes and bed bugs. What a way to spend the last three days.
So bed bugs have become increasingly more rampant due to people staying in hotels and bringing them home with them.
I went to Nashville/Indianapolis and all I got was bed bugs. That should have been on a shirt I brought back.
I cannot believe that we have bed bugs. Our mattress is new as of February this year, we have all new bedding since January of this year. Our house is brand spanking new for petes sake. I blame the hotels. The kicker is we stayed at nice hotels. I could maybe see if we stayed at a run down dive but these are very nice, reputable, downtown hotels.
Did I mention I am pissed.
These little peckers are HARD to get rid of. We just spent the last 4 hours stripping beds(I would have given anything to have been actually stripping on the bed instead!), vacuuming our box springs, mattress, pillows, comforters, etc. We know this doesn't get rid of them but it will knock off any eggs that could be just moments from hatching. Ew. We are getting the house sprayed on Tues(really, that was as soon as you could get here, really, let my allow you to borrow our bedding to use until then, hell why don't we swap houses. I bet you will get here in an hour.) and we are doing everything the internet is suggesting.
Please send bed bug dying and extinction thoughts our way. If you are a member of PETA and don't feel comfortable doing so, please let me sleep in your bed and you can sleep in mine. Seriously...

I CANNOT BREATHE....

Seriously, I am freaking out about this damn boa constrictor(maybe a slight exaggeration) I ran over yesterday. The last 24+ hours have been pure torture. We have a TON of windows facing the backyard, where the "incident" happened. Now, I am so sure there are 50 more out there that I am constantly looking for them. We live in IL for pete's sake and the wind is constant. Therefore everything in the yard looks like it is moving. *Heart racing* I can't even eat today. That is huge for me, I never lose my appetite. Maybe if I wasn't trying to eat while staring out the window! *Can't breathe* I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up my husband. I had lots of questions.

Me: Can snakes get in through drainage tile
Him: I am sleeping
Me: No you're not, you are talking to me
Him: No, they can't
Me: Are you sure, like for real this time
Him: *sigh* Yes, good night

A little bit later
Me: What about the garage, they can get in the garage can't they
Him: If you would keep the garage door down like I have asked you to, no
Me: What if there is already one in there...oh God *heart racing*
Him: The dog would have let us know
Me: Oh really, how, like he would say "hey mom and dad, there is a snake in the northeast corner of the garage in the pile of lumber"
Him: Yeah, something like that
Me: Whatever, please check the garage
Him: Ok
a few seconds later...
Me: well, aren't you going to go check
Him: really?!?!?

A little bit later
Me: How do we know there isn't a ton more out there.
Him: *silence*
Me: I heard you stop snoring, I know you are awake.
Him: still. sleeping.

It continued all day...I think I called him 16 times. This is serious people. Then tonight, he wants me to look at pictures of snakes online so I can help him identify which kind it was. UM...BIG HELLUVA NO!!!! Seriously...

I may never walk in my yard again...

I am the mower of the lawn at our house. Mainly because I enjoy it but partly because it gives me a couple hours of no girls whining trying to get my attention. If you have been an avid reader of my blog you would already know that the lawn mower has taken advantage of me. Really. So last night my husband brought home the mower(it is used to mow all the farms) and I took that as my hint to get my ass on the mower. I started after Makayla got home from school. It only lasted about 20 minutes because her and Grace decided to push the door bell about 32 times. Que screaming one year old. Right before I call it quits I see something shoot out of the mower. I assume I ran over a mouse. I park the mower and don't get back to it until roughly 6ish. I am cruising along, enjoying the peace and quiet and dirt and bugs flying in my face. I thoroughly enjoy mouthing to Makayla that I can't hear her when she rides by on her bike, me not slowing down one bit. Whatever she has to tell me can wait. I check to make sure the house isn't on fire or she isn't bleeding first. Well while the family is on the deck I am going back to where I mowed the "mouse" and see a bloody mess in the yard. We are talking the size of a dinner plate mess. I get a little closer and notice it is dead, obviously, that is what going to Normal Community High School gets you, a good education!! I see it is "open" and that the outside of this mess is black and silver and......scaly!!!!!!!! Oh my f*ing sweet butter cream I f*ing mowed over a SNAKE!!!!!! Oh God, oh God, oh God. I high tail it over to the deck and force my husband to go over to the "mess" and tell me it is a frog, lizard, iguana(we don't typically have them in IL), anything other then a snake. Oh God, oh God, oh God. My husband promised me years ago that we live in a very unusual area that DOES NOT have snakes. Clearly he was lying to me. Yes, for my sanity, but still. I want to go back to yesterday when I thought snakes did not come near this area. How am I going to go outside again? Seriously...

Resentment is never pretty...

While discussing all this going back to work stuff I have come up with this conclusion. Men are arrogant, selfish idiots. Don't look at me as a bitter mom being forced to join the working world again. I am looking forward to getting out of the house and I could stay home longer but feel part time is perfect for both Maggie and I! What makes it better is that I love the people I work for at Barnes. I love the job itself(98% of the time!). I love that patients are only there, at the most, 2 hours. If you don't like someone there is always someone else coming in to take their place. Our jobs are pretty much the same thing over and over but the people make it so radically different that it never gets boring. So here is my dilemma. I married my husband knowing what he did for a living and how it all works(can you tell I have been reminded of that ALOT). That being said, isn't marriage supposed to be a series of compromises and adjustments. My husband would like me to join on the insurance band wagon and become employed by either one of the insurance companies. He married me after dating me long enough to know my personality and how I tick. I think most people know that I crave change(thanks ADD!). I don't know that I would be a good fit for sitting in a cubicle with people surrounding me working on a computer all day dealing with insurance related topics(I think I would get bored, blog about my crazy boss and eventually get fired). If they asked me to blog about all that happens in a environment such as theirs I would jump to it. Unfortunately they don't have such a position. So, my point is why should I be forced to change what I have been doing for the last 13 years, the ONLY thing I have been doing for the last 13 years. All for health insurance. Is it worth it for me to go to work everyday making significantly less then I do know, for heath insurance. My husband also believes that these places would have set hours that are better for us, which is not a guarantee. He does what he loves and has no responsibility for family while he is doing so. Even in his "off" time, if something farm related comes up, there is no compromise. I do what I love, take care of the kids, house, running to practices, breakfasts, dinners, school functions, etc. all while knowing I can not call him if I am running late or need to stay late at work. I have to just "take care of it" So my question is, do I become like most moms and suck it up in the name of "family" or do I continue to do what I love because in the end, is resentment ever pretty?! Please understand that I love my husband more then anything, and this is the only thing that we can't seem to agree on. We obviously can make it paying insurance out of pocket as we have been doing. I don't know why I need to change professions which with the pay cut and out of pocket costs for insurance at large companies I don't see the benefit. Seriously...

Should I stay or should I go now....

Now that I have that song in your heads, hehehehehe, I will explain. I work for a dentist who at the time I got hired had an associate. Well the associate left shortly after I gave birth to Maggie. Thanks to him leaving, I got my extended maternity leave I wanted!! I know, everything sounds wonderful. Until now. He still hasn't gotten another associate and I am ready to go back to work part time. I met with him today and left without an answer. I told him what I needed/wanted. We seem to be about 3-4 hours short. He is going to try to be "creative" and see what he can offer me. So my question is...do I stay or do I go now!!! Do I try to find a different part time gig doing what I love without the people I LOVE working with? Do I try to find something entirely different because it offers insurance? Do I try to find a different sitter that is more accommodating to my "new" schedule, what ever that will be? I am so lost right now. It was hard enough finding a sitter at all let alone for only 2 days. I guess I will just keep my fingers crossed and know that everything happens for a reason and wait to see what is behind all this!! Seriously...

Skunk

Dumb dog, dumb, dumb dog. How can you get sprayed by a skunk for the third time in your short life. Really, you can't even leave the yard. I am through with you. Now, my house, my car, Maggies spare carseat, our coats, our shoes, probably our food in the freezer, oh and my husband smell like skunk. I may need to go to a hotel tonight to sleep. I will leave my husband and Murphy to snuggle with all their stinkiness. Clearly this calls for a mini vacay to Florida to visit my sister. It is like a sign from above, I am booking tickets right....now! Seriously...

DMV me ASAP...

Who knew! Really, who knew. I have had an off couple of weeks days and thought what better way to make it worse then go to the DMV(department of motor vehicles)! I have put this trip off for, oh, 21 days. My sticker expired on July 31 and I just went today to get the new one. Opsies. So I brace myself for the worst. I have a one year old and a four year old, both of which are in craptacular moods. First surprise, it wasn't busy, really. Second surprise, I had everything I needed! Third surprise, EVERYONE, yes, everyone in the building....PLEASANT!! Two of the workers even laughed and joked with me! No shit! Clearly they could tell I am a funny girl. I even ventured to get my address changed(we moved in January...opsies) since it was such a rockin good time there. Yeah, finally, something to make me smile and get this huge chip off my shoulder. Don't worry, the girls had a whining match in the car after we left....welcome back grumpy ass!!! Seriously...

P.S. Happy 100th post to me!!! Thank you to all that have enjoyed, if not just laughed at this little ole blog that keeps me from going ape shit crazy. Clearly I would like more of you to sign in and actually follow me so I don't feel so pathetic looking at the lonely number at the side there! Really, even if you just pop in every once in a while, THANK YOU!!!!!!!! I am trying to get something together for a give away so keep checking back for details!!!

There was this time in band camp...

Makayla had a chance tonight to try out 4 instruments of her choice. She tried
Baritone, Violin, Flute, and Oboe. She loved the baritone and oboe. Two completely different instruments. I am so impressed with her. She was so mature about everything, listened so well to instruction, and did EXTREMELY well!!! She was able to play all the instruments successfully. I was such a proud mom. She is growing up into such an amazing young woman. So now we are trying to figure out which instrument to pick. I have a feeling a band camp will be in our future!!Wish us luck...
On another note, what the hell is going on with our children these days. I could not believe how disrespectful the majority of the kids were. They were not listening, manhandling the instruments after being told not to. The parents were doing nothing! I was appalled. Parents, you are in charge, not the kids. I promise you will not "crush their spirit" if you discipline them. Please, for the future of our country, smack them every once in a while or I am afraid reality will!!! Seriously...

It is happy hour in some part of the world...

It is now 2:50 central time. I am having a drink. Yes, it has been that kind of a day. My 10 year old got herself grounded last night. Today was the first half day of school. She must have been under the notion that all rules are off today because of that. Um, hell of a no. She has officially driven me to drink. I don't even like to drink. Today, is the exception. Tomorrow will probably be an exception too. Oh what the hell, lets not leave out Friday and Saturday, being that they are a normal persons drinking days. After I have calmed my nerves with a little Dr. Pepper and Captain I will post a letter I have yet to finish writing to my daughter on why she is grounded. Until then, the Dr. is calling!! Seriously...

That is how she rolls...

I am getting ready this morning and hear Magdelicious(credit:Tanya Eileen McCowan) screaming from downstairs. I ignore it. I hear it again. I cuss a little but ignore it again. I hear it again. I scream "what is your sister screaming about". Kaylor(credit: Tanya Eileen McCowan) screams responds "it is just her being her". Well said, sista. Well said! Seriously...

Construction...

I despise road construction. I actually do not like the theory of driving at all. I get mega car sick even across town so I blame it on that. Yesterday I load up the girlies to head to a super cool water park about 40 minutes away. I forgot that there is road construction on a good majority of the road to get there. *This is what happens when I try to be a good mom.* I have always thought the signs that say "left/right lane closed ahead" were clues to maybe, I don't know, get out of that lane?! Maybe I am wrong. Maybe they mean "most people will be smart enough to get out of this lane except for the couple of idiots who think they are clearly above such rules". So we are cruising along at a whopping 5 mph, when two cars(men drivers, need I say more) pass on the shoulder? Oh, I am sorry, were we going to slow for you. Perhaps you would have liked a police escort to the front of this jam. Oh, no, you are doing just fine with bypassing the 632 cars that are patiently waiting. Jack asses. Clearly, your time is way more valuable then us "regular" folk that actually abide by the rules of the road. I refuse to let anyone who has to be legally blind to not have seen the signs, therefore shouldn't be driving, get into the lane when they realize that yes, moron, that sign was meant for everyone! Thank you to all the people who refused to let these dumb asses in. It was the highlight of the trip to see these two sitting on the side with a dumbfounded look thinking "hey guys can I get in, sorry I was such a wienie back there, I have a small penis"! Seriously...

Priorities...

So I used soda to get my one year old to sign "please" today. She did it. Continues to do it without the soda. We use whatever means we have to. Priorities, we will use a little flavored sugar water in order to get manners! Clearly, she may be a hyper and chunky girl, but at least she will be polite about it...don't judge me! Seriously...

Disclaimer...I do not give my daughter soda, the situation just happened to be the only drink I had at the time was my soda. Don't look at me like that, it is the same damn thing as juice and every parent thinks Kool-Aid is a god damn food group. You are welcome...

Are you kidding me...

We are watching our 7 year old nephew for the night. He is something else. He informed me the other day that "screwing is the same as sex". I was shocked but he was listening to a song from "Chicago", the musical, and there is a phrase about screwing the milk man. I didn't know how to respond. Then that same day, he informed everyone without a hearing aid that "I have a penis". Yes, you do. Everyone knows that without you having to scream say that. Oh boys! Back to tonight. We went swimming today and due to our hectic schedule we didn't have time to shower at the pool. So tonight I made him shower. My husband got him all set in the shower and left to get a towel. He came back in to see him showering with the curtain wide open. There was water ALL over!!! Seriously, his response was "I forgot". Are you kidding me? Oh my wonderful nephew. Seriously...

Confessions...

Confession #3...In second grade, we went outside for recess one day. Clearly we went out for recess most days but this particular day sticks out in my mind...still after all these years. Me and my friend Andrea were walking on the sidewalk when Nicola comes running by. She was not always the nicest girl. She told me my parents didn't love me because I had the smallest room in the house. Although I some times agreed, I know that it was because my sister was mean and she would have beat me up if they gave me the biggest room! Well, as Nicola was running by I tripped her! Really, I did. She ran crying to Mrs. Chase, who is one of my most favorite teachers ever!, and told her I tripped her. Mrs. Chase said "Now Nicola, Mrs. Sarcasm would not trip you on purpose. I am sure it was an accident". Score!!! Mrs. Chase didn't even make me apologize for "accidentally tripping" her!! I always that it was because she only wished she could have tripped her on purpose too!! Really, after all these years I still remember this. I can remember so many details of this day. I guess girls were catty back in my grade school days just as much as they are now! Seriously...

Makayla may need therapy...

This morning, Makayla got up with her dad and helped him pick sweet corn to sell this afternoon. She drove the tractor and he picked. He tells me she did great, never once complained! I am proud of her for getting up that early and being pleasant the whole time. She had found a couple little ears of corn that never grew. They are pretty small, I would even venture to call them "cute". She named them "Bob". Later this morning we were getting gas and I opened up her door to ask her a question. I saw three "Bob's" sitting in the door. I asked her why they were in my car. She says, and I quote "because they are my friends". I burst out laughing. Really. I hurt her feelings. Clearly, I couldn't stop. She is 10, I didn't think she needed to take up having "corn buddies" when she has plenty of "human" friends. I really need to stop giving her reasons for therapy. I have a feeling she may need a therapy fund instead of a college fund. But she keeps us laughing...even if it is at her and not with her!!! Seriously...

Monkey Toes...

Our family is known for its "monkey toes". We have the ability to pick up most objects with our feet. Seriously, we can pick up some crazy shit with our toes. Even my stubby little toes have amazing reach and strength! Well, this morning I picked up a nerf dart and threw it with my toes towards Magdelicious. She then tried to pick it up with her toes!!! Yeah, the monkey toes lives on...!!! Seriously...

Birthday girl...

Seriously, I wish I could feel like this even 50% of the time!! I love her for her excitement of her world around here!!

My sweet, independent, stubborn, beautiful little girl turned one on Tuesday. It has been so much fun playing the "one year ago today at this moment we were.." game. It is interesting to see how differently my husband and I remember things and how differently we experienced the same event. Crazy!! So, Maggie woke up early on her birthday, almost as if she knew the day was all about her. I feel that birthdays should be the one day of the year that it is literally all about me the birthdayee! So of course, Maggie got her way all day long. Although now that I think about it...it was no different than any other day! She was in such a good mood, so happy. It made me fall in love with her even deeper then I realized possible. It stormed crazy in the morning, much like the morning she was born. I feel there is a direct correlation between that and her personality. I am so lucky that I got to spend the first year at home with her. We are partners in crime, joined this summer by Makayla. Back to the birthday, we got her pictures taken professionally. I was given a limit on what I could spend. Well, I took it as a suggestion. They were all SOOO good that I splurged alot a little! This is only the second time I got them taken professionally so it is ok! Long story somewhat made shorter...she opened presents and wanted to play with the toy she opened instead of finding out what was in the other packages. She LOVED her chocolate cupcake. White cupcake, not so much. I find that funny because neither of her parents are chocolate fans. Whose child are you!!! Then she eats everything in sight and realize, yes, you are my daughter!! She was in a great mood all day and didn't sleep worth shit that night. She wanted to keep partying! To my Maggie Lu...you have been such a wonderful addition to our family!! Thank you so much for being you and reminding us of how to love life!!! Seriously...

Boy vs. Girl

I asked my husband to help me "tidy" up the kitchen before we went to bed tonight. This is what it looked like after he "tidied" up.


As embarrassed as I am showing you what it looked like, I felt like I had to get this point across. This is how my house would look everyday if it was up to him to keep it clean. I am the first to admit that I am no wonder woman when it comes to a clean house. It is a waste of time when you have two kids and a husband! This is what our house would look like if we were having friends over if it were up to him. He says "they don't care what our house looks like". Well maybe if it were a group of cavemen. He doesn't understand why I think it is embarrassing! They don't get it...and probably never will.
This is what it looked like when I was done "tidying" it up. I can hopefully sleep a little better now! Seriously...

Maggie Update

In three days my baby girl will be one!!! It is so hard to believe that a year ago, she was still inside my stomach being "herself". How would I describe "her". I will tell you...

She is extremely stubborn, strong willed, full of life, independent, and the most amazing little girl ever!!! Makayla was always so easy going, laid back, adaptable, and of course, amazing as well!! Maggie, well, she is "colorful, spirited, and nothing like Makayla"! Here are some of Maggies "milestones":

She is down to one bottle a day...on her own doing.

She doesn't care to eat any more baby food. She will just have whatever we are having, thank you.

She is the ruler of this roost. She is in charge and if you ever question that, well, you will have to deal with her and she WILL set you straight.
She is not a cuddler except when it is time for bed and only because it happens so infrequently that she knows she gets to stay up a little later because of it!

She is very independent.

She has gone poop in the big potty twice now! Only because I saw her turning red and tried it out and she did go on the big potty, much to her dislike! Second was when dad was giving her a bath(hahahahahaha) and he saw bubbles...and didn't move quite fast enough!

She prefers to drink through a straw, and has been for about 4 months now. She can also drink from a cup if someone is holding it without spilling!!

She DOES NOT like to sleep in anything other then her crib. Not with us, not in a pack-in-play at a hotel, nowhere!

She can say momma, dada, baba, hot, bye, hi, uck, mmmmm(which is mooing which is referring to the cows). She waves and blows kisses. And of course the full mouth open kisses are a favorite of mine!!

She is very ticklish.

She is a HUGE flirt. She definitely has any boy she comes in contact with charmed within seconds.

She is a night owl and not a morning person, just like her mom!!

She has no fear.

She loves pushing buttons, figuratively and literally!

She is always thinking and studying things.

She loves outside and knows what that word means, so don't say it if you don't want to take her out.

She loves rocks!

She has a like/dislike relationship with Makayla. She likes to dislike her!!

She is going to be EJ's farm girl, loves getting dirty, digging for rocks, playing in his tool box, riding in tractors and rangers.

She has both mom and dad wrapped around her little finger like no ones business!!

I can't believe my Maggie Lu is turning one!!! It was been an amazing year and I am so lucky to have been able to stay home with her for all the changes and growing up that she ha done. It will be bittersweet come Sept. when I go back to work but I know that she will truly enjoy being around lots of kids her own age. I am sure it will be much tougher on me then her. Seriously...

Funny!

Go to www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com!!! Now, don't wait, don't even finish this post.....just go! I tinkled a little in my panties, not going to lie. You need to bookmark this website for those bad days. This is a huge comic relief. Enjoy and you are welcome. Seriously...

Really!?!?!?!?!?

Ok, so I am not usually one to bitch all the time don't ask my husband but that is exactly what I have for you today. My wonderful husband and I decided that our current life insurance amount wasn't sufficient. We met with our ins. agent's secretary for the brutal questioning about your every move over the last 10+ years. Well, my first "I can't believe you are asking me this" question was what is your weight. Um, hello, my husband is sitting right next to me as is my nosey daughter who is CONSTANTLY asking me how much I weigh. Clearly you must not be married, secretary lady. I will not tell you how much I weigh. What, you say you have to put something down. Put down "go to hell". Next, I know you don't know me or my family history. You ask me how my father died, being the question is did both of our parents live past 60. Well, no my father did not, my mother only hit 50 this year so I am hoping for the best! My daughter, in the room with us, does not know how her Grandpa died and now IS NOT the time I am going to get into that. So I ask said daughter to leave. Do you know how many times she has asked me since then why she had to leave...remember she is SUPER nosey. I have threatened to ground her. So I tell secretary lady why, she apologizes. THEN it gets better...she asks if our parents have a history of mental illness, cancer, blah, blah, blah. She looks at me and says "that is a yes for you". I about hit her in her face!!! Don't assume. He was never diagnosed, he was never treated, that is not how I want people to think of my Dad!!! He did have cancer so why not let me answer yes with that fact instead. I am not ashamed of my Dad in any way, shape or form. Just don't judge him or me. Damn people. So that is why I say "today can kiss my ass!!". Seriously...

Heaven Help Us...

Since I have been home this summer with the girls I have noticed something. My daughter, the 10 year old, can be SO INCREDIBLY IRRITATING!!! Today she pushed my buttons. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Towards the end of the day I just had to laugh. It was all I could do to stay sane. And that is when I realized she is, gulp, just like me! Pretend to hear me screaming here. Holy shit, what have I created. She is super nosey. She is super sensitive. She is super me!!! Seriously...

Buffet Britches...

We spent a long weekend in Nashville sans kids and have I got some stories to tell!!! While we were enjoying alcohol adult time, I observed some very interesting things. I will share them randomly as I remember them. ;) I really enjoyed some quality time with my hubby and adults friends!!

The best phrase I heard while in Lynchburg touring the Jack Daniels Distillery was by a gentleman who works with my hubby's Aunt(they work for Brown-Forman who owns JD). We went to Mrs. Mary Bobo's for lunch and it was served family style. YUM-O! He told us to make sure we had on some "buffet britches" for this meal we were about to eat. He had a perfect southern drawl and was the cutest! It made me laugh out loud!! I talk about "buffet britches" all the time now, against my husbands wishes! Thanks Frank! Seriously...

So not me...

I went shopping. Yes, I went shopping. And for myself. I even bought two dresses. I never buy or wear dresses. AND, they are a size smaller then I normally wear!! Yeah me. Here they are:



They fit really good. They are comfortable. What more can you ask for. Uh-oh, I think I may be excited about clothes again!! Ok, it passed. Whew. That was a close one! Seriously...

Busted...

So I had this really funny post about not giving any to my husband tonight because mowing the lawn tonight on a new mower was like starring in a porn, even the cows, who were retreating when I started, decided to come back for the show. It was SO bumpy that it looked like I was having relations with the mower. Clearly, all I needed was a vibrating button on the seat and wouldn't have complained so much about the bumpiness. Seriously, I felt violated. Anywhos, I was on the computer tonight, reading blogs, and my husband said something and I half-assed answered. Then I pretended to hear what he was saying. A few minutes later I made a comment about a girl on Big Brother and he just looked at me. Uh-oh....busted! I guess that is what "we" were talking about a few minutes before. Opsie!!! Seriously...

Confessions...

Confession #2~ I despise water! Every once in a while I get a hankerin for it. Like after Pizza Hut pizza with pork topping. That is it. I gave up Dr. Pepper almost a month ago. Actually I gave up dark soda altogether. I am VERY proud of myself. Now I find myself not drinking anything. I do not like anything sweet like kool-aid, or fruity flavored water. That doesn't leave much. I get a glass of ice water(which I need ice to make it tolerable) and it sits and melts and sweats all over the counter. My husband loves that I am leaving full glasses of water all over the house. He says it is nice to be able to grab a drink anywhere he is without doing any of the work. Funny him. So I realized how bad I was when it was 3:30 in the afternoon and I had not had ANYTHING to drink yet. I think that is bad. I will work on it. Maybe that is why I have headaches all the time!? Huh, maybe I will look into that! Seriously...

Check out this giveaway!!

Head on over to this website~http://aprilbaker23.blogspot.com/2009/07/giveaway-for-kiddos.html ~and check out April's wonderful Giveaway! I love their yogurt and would highly recommend it to anyone who eats yogurt!

Really!?!?!?!?!?

To you lady at Schnucks today, I did not run over your child with my shopping cart. You can glare at me all you want. Your little precious princess was walking forward into the store while looking back. I thought for sure that she would turn around before she got too close. I couldn't move my cart out of her way, being that you guys came in the wrong door. I am not judging! Nor am I saying it is her fault. Ok, maybe a little. She was old enough to know to walk forward while looking forward. It was a tight space. I froze, I couldn't say anything fast enough. And then BAM, she literally walks right into my cart and falls to the floor. My instinct is too say "oh no, are you okay, I'm sorry". I guess that was my mistake. I admitted guilt without being guilty. I guess that gave the mom reason to think I ran her princess down. Oh and I truly am sorry that Maggie laughed at you! Seriously...