Farm life

Farm life
Farm girls look beautiful to get dirty

Friday, September 25, 2009

Out of the Darkness...

Tomorrow I am walking in the local Out Of The Darkness Suicide Prevention walk. I am walking in honor of my dad. I have done a walk before and was excited to see we have a walk in my own town. I am always amazed at how taboo talking about suicide is but yet when I do somehow get asked or mention it, everyone seems to have been affected or know someone who was by suicide. It is such a lonely way to grieve. You can't count on your friends because they don't know what to say so they stay silent. Family, not immediate, would rather stick razors up there ass then be an extended family(again not all just most). You tend to just keep it in. Not healthy. So I am all for raising money to support a cause that is trying to release the stigma associated with it. I am proud to say that I have raised $410 dollars for tomorrow. My team "Too Talls Gang" is the second highest fund raiser. Go me!! Thank you to all that donated! Here are a few things I have learned from dealing with a suicide.
*these are my thoughts, please don't think I am pretending to be an expert, I am not!

~The person who takes his/her own life is not the person you know and love. Physically yes, mentally no. I can only imagine how sad and desperate and lonely a person must feel to think that is the only way to make the hurt stop. Please don't judge a person who takes this step to end the pain and hurt. They are really only doing what they think they need to do to stop the pain/hurt and despair they are feeling. Is it right, or the right choice. I would say no but how can I know how another person feels.
~When a person takes their own life, they are trying to escape their own demons. Only they don't realize that their loved ones take on those demons and try to figure it all out. I don't know why I think I can solve my dads problems, he could not and they were his. I have my own struggles and yet I can't shake his.
~As a survivor of suicide(no I did not try to take my own life, this is how they refer to those left behind from suicide), I am no longer given simple freedoms. If I take one too many Advil for a headache, my husband asks if I am sad. If I want to go through the box of things my dad left me, my husband get anxious being that I called him while he was working asking for the gun safe code since the box is in their. He won't give me the code. If I am depressed, I am on "suicide watch" by family members. I don't like that feeling. I promised every one I love that this is not my fate.
~If you mention suicide to someone who does not know your personal experience with it, chances are they have been affected by it somehow too. Or they know someone who has been affected. I am afraid it will be like cancer. Everyone will have a story of how they were affected.
~There is not enough support for suicide survivors. There are only books that are very biological in nature. You will go through this first and then this and then this. Bullshit. I want someone to spill there guts on crying, laughing, making fun of those who went through the line at the visitation. You know the ones who asked how the person died and you responded by laughing because you couldn't fathom telling one more person how. I want to know all the inappropriate things they said/did because there is no how to manual on how to deal with the grief from the death and the abandonment you feel from those scared to talk to you about it. Instead of putting there discomfort aside, they pretend there is nothing to talk about.
~How a persons family can really fall apart when they should have learned that they need each other more then ever.
~How telling someone it was the devil is not comforting. Bringing up the devil implies that he is not in Heaven. I firmly believe he is in Heaven, no matter how much of a "sin" suicide is, he is in Heaven. If he was not, he would not be in my dreams, he would not be sending my little signs that he is with me. Don't confuse his personal demons with the devil.
~Anger is not a stage of grief that everyone goes through. Don't force me to go through an emotion or a stage because a book tells me I have to.
~Don't make me feel like an outcast. I am still the same funny, silly, immature, did I mention funny person I was with him, and because of him. I have changed due to losing my father, I did lose a little piece of my heart, but not my being. Love me, treat me the same as before. Don't put the stigma on me.

I hope this gives you some insight on suicide and how to "handle" someone who is affected by it. I hope that none of the readers of this have dealt with suicide, outside of my family. If you have I am here for you and anyone who needs a friend.

I love you dad and am so glad to have known you for the 27 years I did. You were my best friend and my cheerleader when I had no one else. For that I am forever grateful. You will remain perfect in my eyes and I will always think of your smile and laugh and how your stories took FOREVER and how I got your personality but not your height. Damnit. Really, 6'8" and all I got was 5'7". I am glad you gave me the things you did because I wouldn't trade me for anyone else. Well maybe some height. Still. Bitter. About. The. Height. I love you more!! Seriously...


  1. This is a great post. I suffer from major depression and when I don't have it under control I have suicidal thoughts. The doctor calls them "suicidal thoughts" I think of them more on the level of "obsessions". They take over my every waking moment and it's very difficult to explain. It's almost like the "urge to push" when your in labor. "Urge" is such an understatement. Sometimes I get so angry after I hear of someone committing suicide when I hear people say things like "nothing could be that bad" or "so selfish didn't they think of the kids they left behind". To say those things is to say that that person was thinking normally. A suicidal person is NOT thinking normally. They can't just choose to think normally! The pain and thoughts are so overwhelming it takes over your whole being. Sometimes it feels as the will be no end and to fight is just too exhausting.
    I hope this comment doesn't upset you. I just want you to see a small glimpse inside the head of someone whose been there many times. There is so much more I could say...
    Hang in there!

  2. Thank you so much for commenting! I appreciate your honesty and agree with you on absolutely everything!! It is nice to hear from someone who truly understands where I am coming from. We should get together for coffee sometime, I think we have lots we could talk about!!


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