Farm life

Farm life
Farm girls look beautiful to get dirty

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


I am still not angry at my dad for what he did. I honestly don't think I will ever be. My theory is why be angry at someone who is no longer here and why be angry at someone who obviously was at the lowest point anyone could ever imagine being. Having said that, I am angry. I am angry at my dad's family. Not all of them. The ones that were incredibly supportive for about a year after he died. I now see that they were not genuine. There were a lot of promises made, connections that now seem false. Everyone grieves differently. Maybe that was just there way of getting through it. I wanted to hold on to anything that reminded me of him. I wanted to be surrounded by people who looked like him, who could see him in me. I guess that was my mistake. He didn't surround himself with them. I should have thought more about that. I now see it as a sign. They weren't involved in his life then, why would they want to include his family in their lives now. Some people have embraced me and I am thankful for those relationships. My sister and I agree on one thing, yes literally only one thing! They can say whatever they want to say to us, treat us as horrible as they can imagine, hell they can pretend we don't exist. We are big girls, we have our own lives and our own families. We cannot forgive them for doing the same to our brothers. They were only 17 at the time he died. He was half of who they are. His family should have filled in for the half that was now gone. My sister and I can get love and acceptance from our spouse/significant other/children. We have a wonderful mother that has been amazing. That is all they have. They have friends but nothing replaces family. I will continue to love my dad more everyday and look forward to the day that I see him again. I know that he will be proud of me for trying as long as I did to stay connected to his family. If he could say something to me now I am pretty sure he would say f*ck them. As he always did!!! Seriously...


  1. Good for you Mrs. Sarcasm. You, your sister, and your brothers, are amazing, strong, smart, funny, people and it is their loss not yours. Your dad was always so proud of his kids - the one thing he said he did right, even in his family's eyes. I'm sorry you lost that connection with your dad's family but you will see your dad in your kids and your future nieces and nephews. Your brothers have each other and they take after their sisters - very self sufficient - they will be ok. Don't ever change and in your dad's words f*ck em!!!! Seriously...

  2. This is your sister - and I agree 100% F*** em. I declared that almost 2 years ago and my life has been so much easier since. I am never going to be the person they think I should be and rather than accept differences, they decide to exclude. Dad wouldn't be ashamed, we all lost the true McCowan family when gramma and grampa passed. And although someday I may live close to where the rest of the McCowan family lives again, and I have since taken the McCowan name back, I will never be "slumming it" with the rest of them. I am already a better person having given up on them. Just like they did to us when we needed them the most. Gramma would be so dissapointed...

  3. This is an interesting post. Mu mother, your Aunt Joleen, too, chose not to be around mostof the family and we moved to AZ in 1983. I know I shouldn't, but I still hold onto a lot of anger regarding the family in general.

    You dad was special and he knew he was my favrure uncle. He was so smart, campassionate and funny...and do sad underneath all of it. I got that and he got that about me. I think of your dad often, I believe he's one of my angels because in times of utter despair, it is he who comes to me and comforts me. I listen to the Eagles (Take It Easy) and think of him. We used to drink Orange crush from the old fashioned glass bottles at NcCowan cookouts and tomorrow I will drink one in his honor.

    Families are families and they've all got their problems and you can believe me that the wounds to my psche are still there but I am attempting to move on. Do what you need to make yourself happy and healthy...invite others to join you but say screw it to anyone who stands in your way. That's how my Uncle Mark operated and I respect him tremendously to this day.

    Please know that I love you and am so gratefu that we've ben able to reconnect. I'm planning on coming to IL (to visit ny biological father with whom I recnbtky reconnected) and look forward to a lazy afternoon on the farmmguzzling water and eating luna bars!



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